‘This is the one with the swimming pool right?’ asks
trainee F excitedly as we head across town, en-route to a valuation. I answer
in the affirmative, as an old woman pushes the Pelican crossing button and the
bloody lights change instantaneously. I’m half tempted to keep going but I spot
a camera mounted on top of the pole and screech to a halt.
‘Must be cool having a pool.’ Enthuses F as the grey
haired woman makes painfully slow progress across the road and an irrational
hatred of the shuffling figure rises like reflux in my throat. I’d be happy
enough to meet her beneficiaries when they squabble over her house sale. And in
reality infirmity and a weak bladder waits for all of us if we can mange to
keep negotiating busy roads for long enough.
‘Pools are a mixed blessing, and are certainly cool if
you can’t afford to heat them.’ I tell F as I accelerate away, anxious eye on
the car clock now. I hate being late.
‘But they must add value right?’ Quizzes F. He’s only
along to hold tape measure and camera and to make me look intelligent. I’m
already regretting it.
Like homes with a granny annexe, properties with pools
are often asked for when you don’t have one. When you do, buyers fade faster
than a British summer. Outdoor pools, especially when they’re too big for the
plot and too close to the building can actually detract from a sale. Add in
fears about young children falling in plus expensive maintenance and filling
in, rather than jumping in, becomes a better option.
‘They don’t always add value.’ I tell F in order to pass
the time, as jerking off isn’t an option with company - and a company car. The
cheap velour seats don’t take spillages kindly, as the incontinent Granny
wanting retirement flats and a catheter I had in the back a month ago proved
I explain the economics of installing and running a pool
as we head into the suburbs. Chemicals, a pool man, filters that need changing
and expensive filtration units that tend to blow when they get overworked by
insects, squirrels, suicidal family pets and on one memorable occasion, a
horse.
Owners are convinced a rectangular chlorine-laced
waterhole is going to fetch them a premium on price. A bit like the delusional
earth-huggers who install ranks of ugly solar panels on their roofs only to
find the feed-in tariff has changed and the firm that fitted them has gone bust
when the units fail. And don’t even start me on damp-proofing companies where
each successive buyer needs a fresh treatment from a different outfit, as the
guarantee is about as worthwhile as a politician’s election promise.
‘What about indoor pools then?’ Quizzes F, as I see the
turning and move onto an un-adopted road that the buyers’ solicitor will make a
time-wasting fuss about.
‘Better,’ I tell him tired of giving free advice now even
before I start again in earnest. ‘At least you can use it all the year round
and lock the door so the grandchildren don’t fall in when you’re watching Song
Of Praise.’
F thinks about this as I pull up outside the subject
property, one that looks to be on a smaller than average plot. I get a sinking
feeling, even as F frowns and asks: ‘What is Songs Of Praise exactly?’
‘I hope I’m wrong.’ I tell F as I clamber out of the car,
shooting pain down my leg like a hit from a Taser gun. ‘But I get the feeling
it’ll be one of those gardens with more pool than lawn. Truth is, I think pools
are like having a boat. The best two days of ownership are when you get it and
when you sell it.’ He screws his facile face up and I brace myself.
‘So, how do you sell a pool without selling the rest of
the property?’ F asks haltingly.
‘It was an analogy.’ I snap, noticing a curtain twitching
at our arrival.
‘Like a crossword?’
I give him two.
His mother really should demand a refund on the school
fees she splashed out.
------
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1 comment:
A local property with a pool has come up on my rightmove search again. It's been for sale for a few years with the pool shown, which as expected occupies half the garden.
Obviously they've now taken the hint, and the garden picture now shows decking covering half the garden, except the clowns now want an additional 25k. I'm sure anyone viewing will notice the echo under the boards, or the rain water shimmering through the gaps.
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