tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-227265462024-03-14T07:53:01.943+00:00'Agents Diary'The weary musings of a time-served estate agent (realtor) somewhere in the UK. If you want advice on the property market, or alternative careers to this one, let me know, I might reply. In the meantime I'm plagued by cretinous idiots who I work with and for, and who may well feature in my diary at some time.secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.comBlogger479125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-70711199346937038392019-02-09T14:00:00.000+00:002019-02-09T14:00:25.595+00:00Off into the sunsetHi everyone - it's SA's son here.<br />
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A couple of days ago SA was out on his bike, riding along with a friend in the sunshine. They were chatting and laughing (probably property related!) when he had a heart attack. It was instant and we have been told he did not suffer, just cycled off into the sunset.<br />
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He leaves behind his wife, who he met when he was 20 and she was 18. They spent 40 blissfully happy years together and raised myself and my younger brother in a loving home full of laughter. You would know her better as 'S' (I would like to think that the Trainee T was not based on me or my brother, but you never know!).<br />
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We are absolutely distraught as you can imagine, feel free to leave any comments you like (I know it's the internet but please keep it nice!) and I will feed them back to my Mum.<br />
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Any regular followers should know that he really enjoyed interacting with you all - both good natured and serious debate. I know he is sitting somewhere now, just so irritated that he had to leave when there was so much more to do, so many more sarcastic tweets to send.<br />
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As it's an anonymous blog, if you would like to do anything practical please feel free to make a donation to either Macmillan or the British Heart Foundation in his memory.<br />
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The last message he sent to us on our family WhatsApp chat was simply 'laugh loudly' (I was at a fairly empty stand up comedy night). I think that's as good advice as any.<br />
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Secret Agent, signing out.secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-13941117448099887672019-01-22T06:58:00.000+00:002019-01-22T06:58:02.923+00:00Dry Patch - Tuesday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>'Got any comparables?' Asks <i>Bomber</i> the surveyor in his weasely voice. Of course I have. Not that you’ll take any notice of the similar homes to the one you are about to value, I’ve sold.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘How recent are these?’ Ask the destructive building surveyor, as he looks with barely-disguised distain at the property particulars. ‘Only the market is slipping.’ In the background I can see T, my assistant manager, dancing up and down like some palsy-afflicted medieval madman, as he flicks twin v-signs at <i>Bomber’s </i>back, face contorted in hate.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘All up to date.’ I answer. ‘And the price we’ve agreed on the house you are valuing is very realistic.’ Bomber chuckles unpleasantly. ‘They all say that.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Just be kind.’ I plead.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’ve go to protect the lender’s interest.’ Says <i>Bomber </i>sourly. ‘They’ll be the first to try and sue me if the house is repossessed and they take a loss on the loan.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>As the door closes behind <i>Bomber,</i> T reaches in to his pocket and pulls out a £2 coin. ‘Wanker.’ He exclaims fiercely, walking across to the office swear box and paying his dues.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Will he down-value the sale price?’ Asks trainee F, to sour laughs all round.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Of course he will. Surveyors like <i>Bomber</i> are so afraid of their own shadow they’d rather wreck a perfectly sound sale than risk retrospective action. Every town has one.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Bean-counter on line two.’ Announces negotiator S, with an apologetic shrug as she takes the call.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Christ straight from one tosser to another, I think grimly, as I move to my office to talk to my boss.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘How is the month looking?’ Quizzes the bean-counter. I can picture him hunched over his computer screen, squinting at the spreadsheets like some porn-raddled pervert. Only he gets off on numbers, not vital statistics.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Going to be a tough one.’ I predict warily. The little figure-fiddler was chasing me for last-minute contracts in December, now he want fresh invoices in January. He can’t have it both ways - only of course that’s what he wants.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’ve been looking at your office conversion rates.’ Whines the bean-counter. What else have you got to do? I want to shout. You’ve never sold a house in your life and you are only in position on the basis of flogging discredited endowment policies, in a past life. I offer the usual platitudes.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘How was it?’ Asks T, when I return to the main office. I slump in the seat, just as S places a fresh cup of tea in front of me, with a sympathetic smile. God she’s good.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘He want me to conjure up contracts, when we bled the pipeline dry at the end of last year.’ I say gloomily. ‘He seems to think I’m Harry Houdini.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>The silence bounces round the office, then pings back off the metal filing cabinets. F is looking at me quizzically. Please don’t. ‘So boss, who exactly is Harry Houdini?’ God I feel old.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘That muppet in One Direction.’ Says mortgage man M, waddling past and chuckling.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘The one that went out with that tart from X Factor who keeps changing her name?’ Asks T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Sharon Osbourne?’ Say F, hesitantly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I need a drink. Dry January, is officially f***ed.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You reckon the market is really on the slide?’ Asks T, as we sit quietly and speculate on what <i>Bomber</i> is finding on the sale he’s currently wrecking. It’s not looking great. The UK housing environment is predicated on the usual suspects of demand, supply and affordability - dictated by lending criteria and interest rates - but the other great driver, is confidence. Once that falters big slides can happen.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘If it gets tougher the bean-counter won’t factor that in to our targets.’ Says T ruefully.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Did anyone see that You Tube clip of Japanese workers being forced to crawl on their hands and knees along a city centre road, because they missed their sales’ objectives?’ I ask. Everyone looks at me blankly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We wouldn’t have to do that up the high street, would we?’ Questions F.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Not physically, but there will be plenty of metaphorical crawls of contrition if we don’t make the numbers.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I’m thinking, Moist January. </b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-57403768757391286612019-01-10T07:00:00.000+00:002019-01-10T07:00:47.810+00:00Start Again - Thursday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Oh for f**ks sake.' I exclaim angrily, hurling the phone handset down.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Problem?’ Asks idiot trainee F gormlessly. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>No, I always shout expletives in the open office and incur another office swear-box fine, you numpty.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I dislike January more than most months. The extra weight I’m carrying after the Christmas excesses, the dull, damp weather, the pressure to partake in Dry January and foreswear all alcohol, when all I want to do is drink - and swear.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘The Patels buyer has pulled out.’ I finally tell F, head slowly shaking like a nodding toy dog, losing kinetic energy.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Why? They seemed so keen before Christmas.’ Asks F.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Worried about Brexit, think they may have overpaid, their buyer is stalling and being awkward on proposed completion dates, not sure if they can raise the deposit any longer……’ I tail off.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Which one?’ Probes F.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘All of them.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Property purchase has always been fraught with problems, if it’s not the legal mechanics with delays and incompetence, it’s the human component multiplied by however many people are in the transaction chain. That familiar old statistic - I’ve quoted before - that one in three sales founders, still holds true after three decades in the industry, two property crashes, and more booms than a Queen's birthday salute. It’s why the pay up-front, internet “agents”, are starting to unravel without ever really grasping the business.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I don’t know how you keep doing it year after year, with the constant setbacks and the targets just going up and up.’ States F, with unaccustomed insight. ‘ You must be so sick.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Stoic?’ You mean, I ask frowning.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘No, sick.’ Repeats F beginning to look unsure.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Is he insulting me or praising?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘The good <i>sick?’</i> I ask. ‘The way the youngsters use it, or the just not very well and in need of treatment variety?’ F looks worried.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It’s alright you can say.’ I urge, just wanting to know.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Bit of both.’ F finally says haltingly. ‘ Cup of tea?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Yes please.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It’s really quiet isn’t it.’ States F, once he’s made the cuppa.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Nature abhors a vacuum.’ I tell him staring at the grease globules floating on the surface of my beverage.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What does that mean?’Asks F cautiously. I still wonder what he did in private school for seven years, this level of stupidity usually leads to a career in politics, not property.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I mean, everybody is waiting to see what happens with Europe, trade deals, the economy, interest rates, the whole nine yards.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Nine yards?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>’It’s a sporting expression.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Football?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘American.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They don’t really play it that much,’ opines F before adding brightly ‘Although they have had Beckham and Rooney.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>See what I’m up against?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>The door opens and in shuffles one of our elderly regulars. Time-wasters are the bane of an estate agent’s life. Advisors and so-called property experts will tell you every enquiry is a potential fee-earner and on paper, they are. But with only so many hours in the day, days in the week, months in the year, years in a decade, you have to make decisions to drop people who will only leave their home, feet-first, on an undertaker’s gurney. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We’ll get plenty of valuations this time of year.’ I tell F. ‘ People wanting to split-up after spending too much time with each other over the holidays, but half of them will stay together when they realise what they’ll have to live in, once they paid expenses and moved to something half the size.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>F looks at me soppily. What’s the fool going to say now, I wonder?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You know so much.’ He says smiling. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever build-up that sort of knowledge.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>You won’t. Even if you had an IQ upgrade. Your generation don’t stay in a career, or company, for long enough. I wouldn’t say they are even wrong, it’s a different employment marketplace out there now. You can stay too long. I’m a living example.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I sometimes think of you as a bit of a father-figure.’ Muses F, unsettlingly. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I was going for a more gifted, elder bother. But I’m used to disappointment.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-39800911170147702612018-12-20T10:33:00.000+00:002018-12-20T10:33:39.529+00:00Mistletoe And Wine - Thursday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Is it me or is the music a bit loud?’ I holler at T, my assistant manager. We’re crammed against the free bar, where every spurious staff member, including weekend workers and new home site reps, are desperately multi-ordering drinks before the float runs out. It’s as shaming as the Brexit shambles.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You're just getting old.’ Shouts T, with a grin. ‘Let me buy you one and bring it over.’ He adds. That would be a first, I think fleetingly, until I realise he won’t be paying and by the time I offer to return the favour, I will.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I’ve done too many staff Christmas parties. The music was different when I started, more guitars and none of this drum and bass bollocks, but the end result is the same. Over-wrought women in posh frocks and over-testosteroned men in unaccustomed dinner suits, spoiling for a fight or a f**k.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Seen that cracker from head office.’ Shouts a disembodied voice. I have, but so has every other red-blooded male in the room. I’m not about to admit letching from afar and wondering what incredible cantilevered bra-manufacturing process is keeping those breasts from spilling free - especially to someone I can’t see.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>A hand tugs on my sleeve. ‘Here you twat, I’m here.’ I look down to see the smirking face of H, my vertically-challenged rival manager. ‘I wouldn’t mind dancing with that piece later.’ he says unpleasantly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You’d probably only come up to her….’ I begin, before realising the odious little short-arse, is smirking even more.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘These don’t change do they?’ I say to mighty-thighed mortgage man M, whenI get back to the little enclave my office has set up, away from the DJ, who looks like the hasn’t started shaving yet.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘The totty is different,’ shouts M garnering disapproving glances from negotiator S - looking classy in a black dress - and loose lettings lush B - looking tarty in a similar, shorter, number.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I used to enjoy these.’ I say to M, as T arrives with our drinks on a precariously-balanced tray, idiot trainee F behind him carrying an identical set. Yep, the cash will run out before my round. Like a typical Friday after work then, only with more sex and violence.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Just get pissed and dance with the prettiest trainee you can find.’ Advises M, downing two-thirds of a pint in one. M hasn’t been paying attention on all those appropriate behaviour in the workplace seminars, held by the mirthless women in Human Resources. I’m already wishing I was at home.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘There you go boss.’ Says F, plonking a gin and tonic in front of me. I can’d do too many pints any more, irritable bowel to match irritable bloke. ‘I’ve got you a double, just so you know for later.’ Adds F, helpfully.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I sip the drink cautiously, the taxi is booked for midnight, I’ve avoided the hotel deal on rooms at a discounted rate for partygoers. I count myself lucky that on past occasions I only woke up with a cold kebab on the pillow in the morning - it could have been so much worse.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I reckon it could kick-off later.’ Suggests T, leaning so close I can smell his aftershave. He must apply it with a sponge, it’s so pungent. He’s pointing to the other side of a room where two rival offices young negotiators are braying loudly at each other. They’ll be goading each other with inflated stories of sales’ figures and target-smashing. It’ll be glasses smashing by the end of the evening, if previous nights are any pointer. You can see why people don’t like estate agents.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You enjoying yourself?’ Asks a familiar voice and I look up to see negotiator S next to me. I am now, I want to tell her, but some things are better left unsaid.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Smile.’ Shouts B amid a bright flash. She’s just snapped us with her mobile phone.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘That better not be on Insta-pop later.’ I say uncertainly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Apparently I’m an old dinosaur who doesn’t know how to party - or do social media.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>If only they knew.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Happy Christmas.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-83903190406689509302018-12-03T08:10:00.000+00:002018-12-03T08:10:04.194+00:00Hunger Games - Monday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘The estate agent, right?’ Asks a familiar face, as I try to remain invisible on my trip to the sandwich shop.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I see a lot of people, as I’ve said before, but it’s the homes I remember not the names. This guy I know I’ve met, but I can’t for the life of me remember when. He doesn’t look like a professional, too scruffy, so i’m guessing I haven’t lunched with him on a lawyer’s firm’s tab.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You don’t remember me do you? ‘ He presses, making me feel even more awkward, but not as awkward as a mate who was posed the same question by a familiar-looking woman in a supermarket a few years ago. The empty silence he struggled through, was worse than this encounter, when the humiliated woman had to reming him they used to be married thirty years ago. That’s what you get if you trade in every decade. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I do.’ I lie at the man, now standing in front of me. I don’t. ‘Can you put it in context, only I see so many different faces each week.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You sold my late-mother’s house.’ He says flatly, a hint of a tear welling up.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Now I’m not sure if the emotion is a reminder of his lost mum, or the price he had to accept on an inheritance that often disappoints, once the nursing fees have been reimbursed and the other siblings have taken their cut.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Thankfully it comes to me. ‘ The Avenue, right?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘That’s it.’ He says smiling. Still no idea of his name.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It was a beautiful old house.‘ I tell the man, genuinely. ‘Sort of garden you don’t get any more.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They loved that garden, so did I.’ He says wistfully, as my stomach starts to rumble. This reminiscing is all very well, but unless he is buying or selling another property I’d rather he used a professional therapist to sort out his dead parent issues.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘So what’s the market doing?’ Asks the man, with an expectant look. Great, free advice that he’ll ignore if it doesn’t tell him what he wants to hear.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Are you thinking of buying, or selling?’ I ask, because it makes a difference. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Oh neither really.’ He replies as I start to wonder if all the best sandwiches in the meal deal will be gone by the time I get there. I draw the line at the vegan, low-calorie, low taste options. I need something to have died to fill out the brown bread….</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’m just interested in what the market does.’ The man enlightens, as I start to go through an internal checklist of male names, I sometimes run, starting with Aaron and progressing through to Zackary.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I love watching those property programmes.’ He continues, as I stumble somewhere around Leonard and Liam. ‘And I’m forever on the internet looking at stuff I’ll never be able to have.’ You and me both fella, but I suspect not the same portals.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It is addictive.’ I agree, thinking - unless you are in the industry.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I know,’ he gushes. ‘I’d love to do your job, it must be fantastic going inside all those homes every day.’ Not if they have cats, I want to say, but I have a vague recollection that his late-mother’s home ponged of pets, either that or she’d been soiling the carpets.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘So what do you have to do to get into the business?’ Presses the man, eagerly. Paul maybe, or Peter?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Not paid attention at school, I ache to say, but sooner or later you need to get over your lack of academic achievement.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You don’t have to pass any formal exams.’ I say, still unable to believe it myself. ‘ At least not in this country.’ </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘That doesn’t seem right.’He says frowning. Tell me about it Samuel, or perhaps Stephen. ‘So I could become an estate agent then?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘If you wanted to.’ Though why springs to mind, particularly at this guy’s age. It’s a young person’s job. Someone yet to be scarred by life and its setbacks.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Food for thought. He says before nodding and wondering off, leaving me bemused.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Spelt bread, with avocado slices. Thanks a lot, William.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-77751927265106960612018-11-09T04:29:00.000+00:002018-11-09T04:29:37.371+00:00Shop Until You Drop - Friday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Long time no see.’ Says a familiar face. I look up from my smartphone, like some vacant-eyed teenager. It’s the guy from the commercial agency, set of keys jangling. He used to be part of our organisation until it was floated off, surplus to requirements as it didn’t provide gullible mug-punters who’d sign up for over-priced insurance policies, that wouldn’t pay out.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘How are things with you?’ I ask. It’s a knee-jerk question. I don’t really care and in any case I can see, the high street is littered with empty retail units, big commercial to let boards balanced overhead. The last time I saw this many vacant shops we were tumbling into another property crash, some folks thought could never happen. I have a long memory.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Pretty shit.’ Says the man with a grimace. It’s the sort of refreshing frankness you’ll never get from a residential sales operator. The crowing, acne-faced idiots, from out competitors who gather noisily in the pub every Friday night, would tell you the market is buoyant in Chernobyl if they thought you were buying.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Nobody committing?’ I ask unnecessarily. ‘Why would they?’ He responds bleakly. ‘Idiots in charge here and in the USA, Russians poisoning people on our high streets and we want to pretend we’re still a world super-power and can send the navy in if the natives get bolshy.’ And I thought I was depressed…</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Which one have you got a viewing on?’ I ask, waving my hand towards a sea of blank-glassed shopfronts.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Viewing? Do me a favour, it’s another lease foreclosure.’ He nods towards a unit with the landlord’s eviction notices still freshly taped to the door. I can’t do the lottery numbers but even I could have predicted another vanity-project bridle dress shop, funded by some brow-beaten husband, wasn’t going to last more than twelve months. I bet they didn’t negotiate a break-clause.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘There’s no confidence in business.’ Continues the man, whose job I once coveted as an easier gig than dealing with home-owners. ‘If it’s not the bloody Brexit shambles it’s everybody looking at the kit in the shop then pissing off and buying it for ten-ten-percent less, on-line.’ Oops. Guilty.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I get more footfall in the tertiary shopping areas from rough-rough-sleepers than shoppers.’ He says flatly. ‘I reckon you lot will be selling all these places once they’ve been converted to residential flats, before long. There will be nothing left on the high street except coffee shops and….’ He hesitates.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Estate agents?’ I venture.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Exactly.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘So are you suffering with on-line agents pinching your business?’ He asks, eventually getting round to my travails. I tell him I’m not really. It seems people have realised paying up-front for a future service isn’t exactly an inducement to peak performance. They’ve had the money and in a flat-lining market it’s the local guy with experience and knowledge who will get you moved - assuming you’ll listen to reality.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’m thinking of doing something else.’ Pontificates the commercial agent. I’ve been the thinking about that for years mate and I’m still here. In a perverse way I quite relish a difficult market. In the past it culled the bad agents in a rather brutal Darwinian way, so I’m expecting the call-call-centre on-line clowns to go the way of the circus. The high street will have a few less cut-price cowboys too. The public might not like it but you can’t sell homes on the cheap, anything less then 1% of the sale price, on a no-sale-no fee, isn’t sustainable.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Look at this mess.’ Says the man, as we approach an empty shop with an inset porch. It was designed to give cover to shoppers escaping the rain. Now there’s the sad detritus of an absent homeless person stashed there. Cardboard laid out as a ground covering, hand-scrawled begging sign mentioning an ex-services past, and a grubby sleeping bag rolled up and stashed for later. The entrance reeks of urine.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We should meet up for a beer.’ Says the man, as we part.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We should.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>We won’t.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-44148165945758891042018-10-25T06:03:00.000+01:002018-10-25T06:03:46.968+01:00The Chain Of Fools - Wednesday <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Mrs Pendergast was in to see you.’ Says negotiator S, by way of a greeting.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I visibly droop - not something I usually imagine where S is involved. She smiles sweetly at me and goes to get a cup of tea. God I’ll miss her when she eventually goes on maternity leave.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘She’s coming back.’ Calls S, over a rolling kettle.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What for exactly?’ I say flatly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘She wants to know why the chain is taking so long to get to an exchange of contracts on her house.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘She’s not alone.’ I call back. ‘Where’s she gone in the meantime?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Retail therapy.’ Says S, plonking a freshly-brewed mug of tea in front of me. I might need something stronger.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>People - the sort who engage cut-price agents - think all you need to do is list a home and prepare an internet entry to sell a property. It’s why mug-punters are prepared to listen to ill-informed, untrained “agents” who mis-lead them on price, take an up-front fee, then become more elusive than a four-leaf clover, once the bank transfer has cleared.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Is her husband with her?’ I ask S, as I study the bloated file belonging to Mrs Pendergast’s house sale. The hand-hand-written notes are on to their second page and the dates encompass four months of sale time.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘No he’s at the golf club apparently.’ Says S, with a shrug.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘So he’ll just be bad-mouthing estate agents at the 19th hole and being persuaded to cancel the sale, as they’ve obviously undersold.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘But they haven’t.’ Counters S, with a frown.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Yes, but that’s what the twats in the silly trousers will be telling him. Nobody at that golf club expects their homes to drop in value.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Well I hope she rinses the old fool for plenty at the shops.’ Says S.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Bit sexist.’ Contributes assistant manager T, from the sidelines.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘How’s that sexist?’ Demands S.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>That’s all I need, a gender-equality argument that nobody with a penis is going to win.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You’re suggesting a woman is dependent on a man to pay for frivolous purchases, just because she can’t handle the fact a property transaction is a nightmare.’ Says T, ignoring my, obviously too subtle, shake of the head warning him to desist.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Just as I’m preparing for a volatile argument about embedded patriarchal prejudices and how all the people in the office who shave more than their legs, need re-orientation training from the <i>People Division</i>, in walks a pouty-faced Mrs Pendergast, weighed down by several designer-label bags.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’ve just about had enough.’ Huffs Mrs P, as she sits at my desk and waves away the offer of a crappy instant coffee. Spent enough, more like, I think glancing at the bags. Not much change out of £500, I’m guessing. That’s a couple of months golf club fees. Mr Pendergast won’t be happy.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Why does it take so long?’ Pleads Mrs P, after I’ve painstakingly taken her through the extensive file notes, telling her about the stalled mortgage offer, where a self-employed buyer is having trouble producing three years of accounts, the survey in Newcastle that demanded a wall-tie inspection and the first-time buyers waiting for a Help-To-buy loan to clear.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Anything else?’ Demands Mrs P, frostily. I can feel it coming. There’s a local authority that will remain nameless, taking up to eight weeks to produce local searches that are virtually worthless, but need to be provided.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We’re nearly there.’ I soothe. We are but the incompetents elsewhere have a way to go. Regrettably some of them - lawyers and on-line cowboys - will be paid irrespective of result, I get nothing if this sale goes down. That’s why I’m still working long after Mrs Pendergast thinks my job has been done. Here it comes.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Only Clive has been talking to some people at the club.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>That’s his handicap, right there. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘And they think we may have undersold, they say the market would have gone up in the time our sale has taken.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Are you saying you would pay more for the flat you’re buying?’ I ask, slightly mischievously.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Good God no.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Thought not.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-17240082994201050092018-10-11T06:08:00.000+01:002018-10-11T06:08:44.887+01:00Catwoman - Thursday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Why am I coming along, boss?’ Asks trainee F, as we pull-up outside the neat, turn of the 20th century, terraced house.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘To help measure up.’ I offer unconvincingly. Since they perfected digital tape measures by adding a laser pointer - early sonar-based efforts tended to tell you a small lounge was the size of the Albert Hall - there really is no need for someone to hold the end of a tape measure.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘And you know it’s aways useful for more than one person in the office to have seen inside a house.’ I add hurriedly. F looks unconvinced. My statement is true but even F, with the intelligence of a cranially-challenged goldfish, senses an ulterior motive.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Ok, fair cop.’ I tell him as we move to leave the car. ‘They have a cat.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>F frowns at me. ‘So I’m some sort of decoy.’ He surmises, not inaccurately. ‘I just want you to keep the little hairball away from me and distract it while I get the sole agency form signed.’ I tell him.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I dislike cats with the sort of passion only a small flightless bird could muster. They like to torment me in a similar way, sensing I’m not a feline lover the selfish little flea-bags gravitate towards me like magnets. And they make me sneeze. No matter how many pills, potions, nasal sprays or liberal applications of Vics vapour rub I try before visiting a home with a cat, I’ll be wheezing and dribbling snot before I’ve sat on the sofa - the invariably hair-covered sofa.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’m not a big cat man myself.’ Whines F, as we walk to the front door.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘That’s okay.’ I quip. ‘It’s not a lion as far as I recall.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>F frowns. ‘I don’t get it boss.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>And you never will.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Nice to see you again.’ I fib, as I shake hands with the owner and get the first whiff of pampered pet. They’ll tell you their homes don’t smell, but trust me, I go in more properties in a week than most people will live in in a lifetime. Dogs smell worse, but cats pong too and at least a dopey labrador tends not to walk along the kitchen work surfaces five minutes after ripping the head off a fledgling sparrow.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?’ Asks the perfectly pleasant lady owner - if it wasn’t for her moggy myopia. F moves to answer in the affirmative but I manage to kick his shins sharply and answer in the negative. It would just mean sitting even longer in the fluff-filled air and sipping out of mugs the cat has probably rubbed its privates over as it patrols the kitchen drainer looking for food.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Details taken as quickly as protocol will allow we adjourn to the lounge. I look at the seating warily, it all has signs of shed fur and I’ll be filling with phlegm before my suit trousers have touched down.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Do you mind if I sit at the dining table?’ I suggest, hoping the hard-covered chairs will be less of a hairy allergy pit. The owner offers no objection and I direct F to sit in one of the comfy chairs while I do the paperwork. I can already feel my throat constricting, then as I try not to sniff like a cocaine-raddled Sloane, I see the ghastly creature slinking through the door. Please go for F, I think, eyes beginning to water.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Oh here she is, the little darling.’ Trills the woman, transformed into a cooing five year old who has just been given their first doll.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>The snot-bomb looks at me with unforgiving eyes and heads straight for my lap, ignoring F completely. F**k off you ghastly bird murderer, can’t you see I hate you.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Oh she’s taken a liking to you.’ Says the woman, as the cat jumps firmly on to my lap and I just restrain myself for violently shoving it back down. I can feel the claws gripping through my trousers. It knows, it bloody knows.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Are you crying boss?’ Asks F, when we are finally back in the car.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Only in private.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-90282367654620646722018-09-24T08:00:00.000+01:002018-09-24T08:00:54.573+01:00Alternative Bangor - Monday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZTJlPrqJlK4KBO4MIlDx3mkY4GoG2PTer8mr5S0RKxRo6escWgtagFx7kWiGydhtH7n6oJiO-_hw3RUQRX_q3JX05tp0C2Jyn5ivyqVKRTWDY63E4n7dNN_tCVM2iINO7tz4S/s1600/hippy+pair.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="549" data-original-width="976" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZTJlPrqJlK4KBO4MIlDx3mkY4GoG2PTer8mr5S0RKxRo6escWgtagFx7kWiGydhtH7n6oJiO-_hw3RUQRX_q3JX05tp0C2Jyn5ivyqVKRTWDY63E4n7dNN_tCVM2iINO7tz4S/s400/hippy+pair.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>'Just a reminder, this family are a bit alternative.’ I caution T, my assistant manager.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Weirdos, you mean?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘No, just different.’ I tell him, less than convincingly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>We’re parked outside a slightly scruffy 1960s built chalet bungalow. The front garden looks unloved, I’m guessing the ageing hippy wife is going for some sort of natural Old English meadow look, but I’m also guessing the greying guy next door, fastidiously cutting his border edges, doesn’t approve. A Druid with body paint might love wildflowers with questionable medicinal properties sprouting through the crazy paving, but this guy won’t appreciate weeds self-seeding in his lawn.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Oh and before we go in and measure up you need to know they are a shoes-off household.' I tell T apologetically.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Jesus Christ.’ Grumbles T, looking in to the car footwell. ‘I’m not sure if these socks haven’t got holes in them.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Don’t worry.’ I tell him. H frowns at me, then grimaces. ‘Don’t tell me they provide those disposable paper slippers, for guests?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>He’s got it.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>We clamber out of the car and the grumpy gardener throws us a look of pure distaste. Two blokes in suits again. As nobody has died, he knows we’re either selling God or property. I give him a smile and he scuttles back indoors, as T picks up the briefcase, camera and digital tape-measure.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Anything else I should know?’ Asks T, as I open the creaky gate and head for the front door.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They’re vegans, so best not to mention your love of Nandos.’ I tell him.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Which ones are those?’ Says T. ‘The oddballs that are worse then vegetarians.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Yup.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Oh and the daughter is a bit alternative too.’ I tell T as I knock the door, no sign of a bell, the electrical waves probably disrupt the Ley-lines to Stonehenge.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Is that why you wanted me to come along?’ Says T, with a frown.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Pretty much.’ I admit. ‘Didn’t want to be left alone in the same room as the timid daughter.’ </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘She wouldn’t be interested in an old man.’ Laughs T, as I put my finger to lips, detecting movement in the hall.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Obviously.’ I tell him. ‘But if she burst in to tears at the whiff of a man smelling slightly of McDonalds, I want a witness.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Just respect their choices.’ I say softly, as a shadow appears behind the opaque glass.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You think they are a bunch of weird-beards ignoring several hundred thousand years of evolution and our dental pattern.’ Snipes T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Not if they are paying my invoice.’ I whisper, as the door opens a timid distance, and we’re challenged for ID.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It’s a right dump.’ Says T softly, once we’ve done the introductions and we set about measuring up.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They don’t like electrical appliances.’ I tell him, wondering how we’ll sell this dusty place to potential viewers. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘No Television?’ Asks T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘No wi-fi either.’ I inform. ‘The husband thinks it interferes with his brain waves.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Tin-foil hat when he goes into the shopping centre?’ Posits T, with a chuckle. Probably. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Can we just come in to measure-up your bedroom?’ I ask, at the daughter’s door.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>She looks at us through heavily made-up eyes, I’m hoping no animals have been used while testing the kohl, or she’ll be self-harming before teatime.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Suppose.’ She says flatly. The girl looks like she good do with a good meal, preferably involving protein and some dead chickens.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You looking forward to moving? Asks T breezily, as I l search for something to photograph that won’t deter buyers. For a moment I think she’s going to cry.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘North Wales is lovely.’ I fib.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘There’s no phone signal.’ Grumps the girl.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Yes, that’s why your parents are going there.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Did you see they had vegan soap in the cloakroom? Says T when we’re outside, sole agency form grudgingly signed. ‘Who is going to eat that?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Think it’s more about animal welfare.’ I tell him unconvincingly. T shakes his head.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What’s that poem you quote?’ </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Philip Larkin - <i>they f**k you up, your mum and dad.’</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Spot on with that bunch of freaks.’ Concludes T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Hard to argue.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-613133662511641272018-09-03T07:46:00.000+01:002018-09-03T07:46:29.892+01:00Community Couldn't Care - Monday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>'Here comes the village idiot.’ Announces assistant manager T, moving from his vigil at the office window and scuttling back to his desk.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Do you want to narrow it down a bit?’ Says loose lettings lush B, shaking her head.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Technically it’s the town nutter, rather than a village loonie.’ Adds fat finance man M, en-route to the kitchen.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You lot are so nasty,’ say negotiator S with a more alluring shake than B managed. ‘Most of these people are just lonely.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>S is preternaturally optimistic, an admirable trait given our profession, but it can’t last. We get far too many disappointments and setbacks to remain that upbeat for ever.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I move towards the window to see which particular loony tunes is heading towards our office. Ever since the local authority cut funding for the old unstable and lost, then called that lack of funding and compassion, <i>care in the community, </i>the trickle of muttering nut-jobs has become a torrent. And with all the local libraries shutting they often head for any shop or office without one of those security guards, the up-market jewellers have on the door.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It’s old mother Tucker.’ I say glumly. It’s not her real name obviously, but it stuck after T bestowed the moniker on the sad old crone after her third visit in a week, wanting to find a bungalow to suit her infirm husband. He’s been dead five years now, but just like the fact that she won’t find a single-storey dwelling to suit on her budget, it doesn’t seem to register.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What is it with these people, don’t they have homes to go to?’ Questions trainee F.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Only empty ones.’ Answers S, with the sort of compassion that means she can be the one to talk to Mrs Tucker for the next twenty minutes.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘My theory remains true.’ I say, wistfully.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What theory is that?’ Asks M waddling back from the kitchen with a mug of tea, three sugars, and nothing for anyone else.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘The eighty/twenty rule.’ I tell him hesitantly, starting to realise this might not go well. Even with my maths the office numbers mean some offence will be taken.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Eighty/twenty rule?’ Quizzes S, with a pretty pout.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘He means eighty percent of the people you meet are idiots, charlatans or time-wasters.’ Enlightens T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’d say higher than that.’ Adds B.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘But,’ begins F hesitantly, looking round the office. ‘Doesn’t that mean……’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Too small a sample to provide a reliable survey.’ I tell him hurriedly, as the door opens and in stumbles Mrs Tucker.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I know it’s sad. I know these people are damaged and chronically lonely, but if I wanted to help the community that much I’d have become a social worker. Talking to oddballs and the emotionally unstable is only an option if they have a home to sell, or rent. Failing that they can push their empty pram somewhere else. It doesn’t pay my bills. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>What? People don’t like estate agents anyway, I’m never going to win a popularity contest.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘So you want something with no stairs, then your husband can live and sleep on one level?’’ Says S patiently.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>He won’t be living anywhere. And his only level is six foot under - or the mantelpiece depending on how they dispatched him.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘And he likes to be able to look out at a garden.’ Adds MrsTucker, with a faraway, gummy smile.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>The mantelpiece then.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You will post me details if something comes along, won’t you?’ Pleads the sad old woman, as S gently ushers her to the door. This is the last generation without email and internet.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I have your contact information.’ Answers S, slightly disingenuously. It’ll be in the bin before Mrs Tucker is through the door of our rivals.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Or you could ring me.’ Suggests MrsTucker hopefully. ‘Only I don’t always have my hearing aide in on account of the battery running down.’ Perfect.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘God save us from the mentalists.’ Says T, after the old woman has gone.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Don’t judge, that could be you one day.’ Chides S.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Only if he has the operation.’ Says B, with a laugh before adding. ‘And it’s becoming very topical, you could probably get a grant.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Man - I feel like a woman.</b></span></div>
secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-24177989652617891352018-08-14T07:53:00.000+01:002018-08-14T07:53:40.324+01:00Happy Daze - Tuesday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I'm early and the car park is fairly empty. They’ve tried to drive commuters in cars out of town with an expensive park and ride scheme, funded by local taxpayers, but guess what? If people have cars, they want to drive them.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I tried the park and ride once, but apart from being too far out of town I then had to wait fifteen minutes for a bus that didn’t take me to where I wanted to be. It’s not as if you can have a couple of pints after work either, because the bus times are sparser still and you still have to drive home.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Back aching, brief case heavy, I pass the pay and display machine and see the price has gone up again and then see a planning notice. I always read planning notices, there’s a possible lead for future sales with every one. This one isn’t too helpful though, the local authority are giving notice of intentions to close the car park and sell it off, so some pension fund can build student flats. Not even sensibly-priced homes for first time buyers, just a dash for cash with no joined-up thinking. No wonder town centre retail is dying.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Hold-up there mate.’ Calls a familiar voice as I head for the park. It’s not a phrase I want to hear. At my age and dealing with annoying people every day, the last thing I need is new friends - or as in this case an old acquaintance thinking he is one. It’s the banker with the dodgy hips.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Thought you didn’t hear me for a moment.’ Wheezes the money-lender, as he catches me up with a lop-sided hobble. I pretended not to.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Long time no see.’ He says with a yellowy-toothed grin. I know he’s about my vintage and I don’t need any further demoralising reminders of the ageing process. The shaving mirror has that covered.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘How’s tricks?’ I reply, thinking most of your deceptions have been rumbled Shylock, since the PPI miss-selling fiasco. Not to mention discredited accident sickness and redundancy policies that didn’t pay out - unless you tripped over a Smallpox sufferer and lost your job in the civil service….</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Crap.’ Says the banker flatly. Terrific. If I wanted manic depressive I could have stayed in my car.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Not shifting many mortgages then?’ I ask, wishing the walk across the park away, even if it means opening the office post and finding a solicitor’s letter telling me a buyer has pulled-out and not had the balls to tell me.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It’s all about sales and add-on policies.’ Bemoans the banker, with a familiar diatribe. ‘It’s not the same bank I joined from school.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Too right it isn’t bucko. You’ve shut half your outlets and I can’t find a single teller position open, when I try to pay cheques in at lunch time. Solicitors still send them and will be one of the last professions to embrace on-line banking.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘And did I tell you my new boss is only just out of university?’ Says the man, puffy face turning florid. He did.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘And she’s a woman.’ He adds, unnecessarily. The <i>she</i> prefix gave that away.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Better get used to that.’ I tell him. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘She’ll be pregnant and on maternity before long.’ Says the banker, with a look of distain. So, not his love child then.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘All they want to do is cut costs, sell over-priced product and flog expensive accounts with monthly charges.’ Continues the banker. He’s struggling to keep up with me and doesn’t seem to have noticed I’ve picked up the pace by fifty percent.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I thought you were going to take redundancy and finish early?’ I say, as we swerve an early-morning beggar, with a can of super-strength lager in his hand.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Have a nice day anyway, gents.’ Says the rough-looking man, slurred voice heavy with sarcasm. You’ll probably have a better one I think, at least you’ll be pissed by lunchtime.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I reckon the whole economy could go belly-up, with all this financial uncertainty and this Brexit shambles.’ Concludes the banker, before adding. ‘Have a good day.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>It’s unlikely.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-80160003427034855562018-07-31T07:43:00.000+01:002018-07-31T07:43:20.737+01:00Chain Chain Chain - Tuesday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Mrs Waterman has been on the phone crying again.’ Says assistant manager T, when I return to the office. I sigh heavily and wonder if her husband realised the irony of his new wife being a serial-blubberer, when she took his name.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>It’s not news that home moving is a stressful business, so I don’t know why I’m still surprised when the whole fractured process reduces people to tears. I just try to leave my crying until all the staff have gone home - although the office cleaner has stumbled in on a few awkward, soggy-tissue, moments….</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What is it this time?’ I ask, shrugging off my jacket and wondering if I can spin the suit’s use out for another week before it has to go to the dry cleaner again. Nothing worse than a whiffy estate agent. It won’t win you any business if you arrive at someone’s home reeking of stale sweat and disappointment, even if their house stinks of pampered pets.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘The first-time buyers at the bottom of the chain are pulling out.’ Answers T, with a shake of his head.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Reason?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Does it matter, they live on the other side of the country, so we can’t help.’ Says T, wearily.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Probably not.’ I reply. ‘But you need to try every angle.’<br />
‘You told her to go with the other bidder,’ says negotiator S joining the conversation. ‘It’s her fault for being greedy.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>S has a point, two very prominent ones, as it happens. When two parties were jostling for the Waterman’s home, I managed to negotiate a higher offer from both, without resorting to the unprofessional and ultimately destructive practice of revealing the other sides offer to each bidder, in a clumsy Dutch auction.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>‘Give me your best offer and I’ll put it to my clients.’</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>‘But we need to know how much they’ve bid.’</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>You don’t. It’s a private treaty. And if you did, you’d only top it by a few pounds, in a spoiler bid. I’m here to get then the best possible price from the best possible bidder.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Turns out I only managed half of that equation.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’d probably advise to go with the slightly lower offer, having looked at their position.’ I’d said to the Watermans.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You would say that wouldn’t you.’ Retorted Mr W. ‘It’s not your money.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>And it wont be yours either, if the chain of seven breaks somewhere along the protracted process, I’d thought. A chain of three, with no mortgage needed on two of the participants, was the better bet. You can tell people, but the won’t always listen when the pound signs are flashing in their head.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It doesn’t pay the bills by being right.’ I say to S and she looks at me gloomily.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘People are complete f***ers.’ She replies, throwing her arms open and looking at the swear box.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>An inappropriate response spools though my brain, but then I’m on to more pressing matters. How to save this deal.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Several phone calls later, I’ve discovered the first time buyers are splitting up, so short of a three hundred mile drive, some more tissues and a relationship counselling session, we’re looking for a new buyer. Needless to say the underbidder has found something else. It is worth a quick call, to try and ruin another agent’s day but I suspect the couple will tell the Waterman’s to twist. They do.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Why is this happening to us?’ Snuffles Mrs Waterman when I’m sat in her lounge, later.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Because you don’t listen to professional advice, I ache to say.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Look at the state of this place.’ She whines, waving at the removal firm's boxes strewn everywhere. Yes, I told her not to start packing until contracts were exchanged - but once again….</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’m starting to think we just call the whole thing off.’ Says Mr Waterman.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Noooo, don’t do that fella.I’ve spent score of hours on this, not to mention the adverting, staff and viewing costs. You wouldn’t get this level of commitment from the on-line call-centre cowboys. They take the money up front then have no vested interest in whether you stay or go.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Late accompanied viewing tonight. Wish me luck.</b></span></div>
secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-46011012876684779572018-07-13T06:10:00.000+01:002018-07-13T06:10:21.482+01:00Work Experience - Friday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘The guy from the local comprehensive school wants to come and see you later.’ Says assistant manager T, as I re-enter the office.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Been hanging around the gates again?’ Asks bloated mortgage man M, with an unpleasant chuckle.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘That’s not even funny.’ Snaps negotiator S, leaping to my defence. ‘There’s enough weirdos out there without you making tasteless jokes about them.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>S still hasn’t got over that oddball who made her uncomfortable on a viewing last week. He was probably harmless, but you can’t be too careful. We’ve lost good people before and we always know where our female staff are, and they have rigid emergency procedures for tricky situations. The blokes can just fend for themselves….</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘He doesn’t want me to do another talk on careers does he?’ I ask T, ignoring M who waddles back to his office, trouser material chaffing audibly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Unlikely after the last effort.’ Says lettings’ lush B, with a laugh. ‘ How many turned up?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Enough.’ I reply, grouchily.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Yes but how many?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘This really isn’t relevant.’ I say.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Double figures?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Nearly.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>The problem is people really don’t warm to estate agents and I can’’t even blame them. I don’t like 90% of my profession - or trade to be more accurate. The standard response to revealing your job, is at best a groan of derision and on one occasion for me a threat of imminent violence. Just recently I watched one of those television dating programmes and the poor girl who reluctantly revealed her role to the potential suitor, actually put her hands over her face and said, <i>‘please don’t hate me.’</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘No, not a careers talk this time.’ Continues T. ‘He is trying to place some year eleven pupils on work experience but each employer needs to be vetted.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Year eleven?’ I ask, still bewildered.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You used to call them fifth-formers.’ Answers T, with a shake of his head. And I understand they’ve just changed all the grades for GCSEs. I’m a man out of time.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Good luck getting a green light on vetting in this place.’ Says B, nodding towards M’s office.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘He wouldn’t molest a child.’ I say abruptly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘He might eat one though.’ Says T, laughing.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘How come the grammar school never wants to place pupils in estate agents’ offices?’ Asks S.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Because only the comp thickos, who don’t have any qualifications think they can do your job.’ Announces M, back from his lair and possibly irked at overhearing our conversation. He never misses a chance to remind everyone he has passed quite onerous financial services exams. I voluntarily sat my estate agency exams years ago, but apart from the depth of industry knowledge it gave me, nobody has ever asked me for them.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Are we going to get one to play with?’ Asks trainee F, sensing a chance for someone junior to him joining us.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You don’t play with them.’ Chides S. ‘And you lot better not think you are having some naive girly in a short skirt to letch over.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘That won’t be happening. ‘ I say seriously.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I wouldn’t mind a young boy to boss around.’ Says B, completely undermining any feminist solidarity with S.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Stern lecture on the correct way to respect others in the workplace issued, albeit somewhat half-heartedly, I retire to my office. I’m really not sure I can be arsed with all the paperwork that comes with a work placement. And some self-entitled snowflake who balks at answering the phone or photocopying and thinks they get to drive a flash car and have the keys to homes they’ll never live in, is more than I need. Particularly if they burst in to tears at the first harsh word from a punter, like the last one.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Not sure it’s worth the aggravation.’ I say later, once I’ve studied the email from the school and the list of health, safety and insurance questions to be satisfied, before some delicate flower with acne and an attitude is allowed through our door.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Oh go on boss, it will be fun.’ Presses F.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>It won’t.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It will give a young person valuable experience.’ Suggests S, with a warm smile.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>It might.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You’ll probably find nobody wants to come anyway.’ Says T. ‘People really dislike us.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>They do.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-6026965698836467452018-06-28T06:45:00.000+01:002018-06-28T06:45:34.374+01:00Pint-Sized Problems - Thursday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwiTdPMM_BSXbs08_9k0UwAsMh3lmyPTQfVWBtCTL9Tiu5p1YVSLnff8tKopqwTOAUVsS-3Ag5z27yPThVHb28GjYenYd31YkuZGH-UU6hfNsdJoNGLSpBKf231lOIPjXUBtF9/s1600/Tyrrion.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="630" data-original-width="1200" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwiTdPMM_BSXbs08_9k0UwAsMh3lmyPTQfVWBtCTL9Tiu5p1YVSLnff8tKopqwTOAUVsS-3Ag5z27yPThVHb28GjYenYd31YkuZGH-UU6hfNsdJoNGLSpBKf231lOIPjXUBtF9/s400/Tyrrion.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What are you drinking?’ Asks H, my vertically-challenged, rival manager.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>We’re in the pub that sits between our two office areas’ boundaries and I’m already regretting the meeting. Hearing him crow about how well his office is doing, isn’t going to lift my mood and if he wants a therapist to unload on, I’d rather he pay for the privilege. Still, he has enquired about my alcohol requirements….</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’d like a pint of best.’ I tell him, wondering if I have actually misjudged the little squirt.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Great.’ He says, heading towards a table. ‘ I’ll have the same.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Nope. Haven’t misjudged him at all.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘How far off your target are you? Asks H, quaffing a surprisingly big slurp of beer for such a short-arse. He knows. We see the electronic stats every week.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It’s recoverable.’ I say, weakly, parroting the same line I give my, equally odious, bean-counter boss every time he asks the same question.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We’re at the mercy of the market, those clueless arseholes in government and the bank rate.’ Says H sweepingly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Plus, if you have the best office location in the group, a town with full employment and hardly any crappy leasehold flats with greedy freeholders rinsing the elderly lessees it helps, I want to say.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘And now they’ll be giving all the wastrel junkies and single mothers longer tenancy agreements and fixed rents, if the left-wing loonies get more power.’ Continues H. ‘An investor landlord will become an endangered species at this rate.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>H won’t feature on any Labour party candidate long-list, in a hurry.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘And how do you reckon you’ll do by year end?’ I ask reluctantly, after H has blown himself out ranting about those less-fortunate than himself - except in the height department.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Cream it, as usual.’ Says H, with a smug grin. He was just itching to tell me what I already knew. Bastard.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You can’t keep talent down, no matter how may ill-advised politicians meddle with the market.’ Says H, warming to his theme and getting towards the end of his pint. I begin to hear just white noise and start wondering if he’ll put his short hand into those deep pockets and actually buy me a drink, before we head our respective ways.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>H is so self-satisfied and sure of himself; born of years selling in a boom town, with high demand, a shortage of properties and decent competition, coupled with easy lending. I sometimes wish I could be shallow enough to exude such unshakable myopic believe in my own ability - but then show me a person lacking self-doubt and I’ll show you a psychopath, or a simpleton.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You need to get your lot on individual targets, rack up the pressure on them to sell.’ Suggests H, draining his pint and looking covetously towards the bar. If he’s left his wallet in the office again, I’ll swing for the parsimonious pigmy.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It’s divisive.’ I say, referring to the fact that my staff pool their commission. ‘And if you ask me, the vendors get a poorer service if nobody wants to take ownership of anything other than their own deals.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Figures don’t lie.’ Responds H.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>It’s your lucky location, I want to shout. But unless you have access to a jump racecourse and a good knackers’ yard, flogging dead horses isn’t a sustainable plan.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Maybe you’ve just been doing this too long.’ Suggests H, after he’s lectured me on the benefits of treating your staff like disposable ledger entries and discarding anyone who falters, with the ruthless efficiency of fellow midget dictators. Napoleon comes to mind.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>H has a point. One I’ve pondered long into many a sleepless night. But like those old footballers, before they scrapped the maximum wage and money flooded into the top-flight game, I can’t afford to retire and I’m guessing opening a sports store, or managing a pub while running to fat, isn’t going to work.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Won’t stop.’ Announces H abruptly. ‘Can’t drink and drive any more.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I’d settle for a soft drink and some words of encouragement.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’ll get them next time.’ Says H, as he leaves.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>He won’t.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-18464536326447187882018-06-13T05:56:00.000+01:002018-06-13T05:56:18.919+01:00Bittersweet Home - Wednesday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Fifty-odd weeks of the year, there’s a game I play when not actually visiting their homes, or being polite to them in the office, that works well when people-watching. Try it, if you like, I’ve not filed for a patent.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Take any outside situation, be it cafe, park, beach or just avoiding the crowds in Oxford Street and ask yourself as people walk towards you, <i>would I talk to them on holiday? </i>It might be an indictment of me or more likely the general public, but ninety-nine times out of one-hundred, as I search for fashion sense, self-awareness and a hint of intellect in the eyes, it’s a big fat, badly-dressed, overweight no. So when you do actually go on holiday, be prepared for quite a few dinners for two.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Look at the state of that.’ I whisper to my wife, as another obese Brit in unsuitable swimwear waddles past me at the pool.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Shhh. You are so judgemental.’ My wife replies. ‘They might be nice once you get to know them.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I have to deal with knobs all day long at work, I’m not going to start conversing with them voluntarily.’ I say. ‘Particularly when you can <i>actually </i>see their knob.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>What is it with old men and Speedos? If I wanted to see wrinkled willies thinly-encased in over-stretched lycra I’m sure there’s a specialist website, but I don’t - particularly when I’m trying to relax on a sun-bed and read my Kindle in direct sunlight. And don’t even start me on thongs. If you meet complete arses every day of the working week, there’s no need to ever see another one.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Don’t you despair of the human race?’ I ask my wife, as I wave for another ice cold daiquiri - a sort of slushy for adults that I’ve become rather fond of. Well, as you can no longer drink at lunchtime in a working week, there’s something pleasantly decadent about getting quietly pissed, then sleeping in the afternoon, knowing everyone in the office is stressed and sober.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You just don’t give people a chance.’ My wife responds, wearily. ‘I do, I just don’t really believe in them until they exchange contracts.’ I retort. ‘Until then they are just another wastrel, who’ll probably go back on their word.’ Maybe I’ve been selling homes for too long. Bad surveys, bad solicitors and bad karma have sucked the optimism from me.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I mean look at this meathead.’ I hiss, as a tubby lad with a wife-beater vest struts by, clutching one of those ridiculous e-cigarettes.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You don’t mind looking at his girlfriend.’ Responds my wife, tartly. Busted. But in truth just as much as I was checking out her toned bikini-body, I was actually thinking, <i>no </i>I won’t be talking to you on holiday, because your partner is punching above his considerable weight and you, girl, have made some bad boyfriend and tattoo choices.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Why do pretty girls ruin their bodies with awful inking?’ I ask as the pair walk by.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘So you were looking at her.’ Retorts my wife.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Purely in an observational fashion.’ </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What other kind of looking is there?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>She doesn’t need to know. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Now that’s a outfit only an Italian can get away with.’ I say later, as we escape the heat of the pool and check out the local town. I’ve been drawn, like a moth to a flame, to look at the local real estate office, much to my wife’s chagrin. A stylish-looking man has just sauntered out of the office in question. The olive-skinned bastard looked effortlessly cool, in a linen ensemble, that on a sweaty-Saturday in the UK, would resemble a rumpled dish-cloth after four fruitless viewings with time-wasters from Tewksbury, who will, only put their house on the market once they find something. <i>‘Ours will sell really easily, you see.’ </i>No. I don’t.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Have you seen the piss-poor photos these Italians take, and where are the EPC ratings?’ I ask as I look in the dull window display with far less flamboyance than the just-departed agent.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You are ready to go home, aren’t you?’ Asks my wife.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Yes.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-58085769387362131662018-06-01T04:46:00.000+01:002018-06-01T04:46:15.679+01:00Time Machine - Friday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’m cleaning you now, is ok?’ Enquires a heavily-accented female voice.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Startled, I look up from my desktop screen. The early-thirties, almost pretty, lady in a pink-tabard looks back at me with a cautious smile. It’s one of the contract cleaners. I probably know her name as she’s a vaguely familiar face, in a seemingly endless round of eastern European women who have access to the office, since my bean-counter boss fired the reliable old lady who used to clean and took on some cut-rate cowboys.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What time is it?’ I say, without thinking. It’s on the clock on my wall, my silenced phone on the desk and my computer screen, so I’m guessing Lena, or perhaps Sofia, or for an outside bet, Zuzanna thinks I’m a bit of an idiot.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>The cleaner smiles and points at my wall clock. Maybe her English doesn’t stretch to quarter-past seven, or maybe she’s on a different time zone at home. Either way I’m late for supper and in a whole heap of trouble.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’m sorry.’ I say with a sheepish grin. ‘Busy day, lots of paperwork.’ I point at my screen, which is where most of the paperwork resides these days, while Sofia, I’m pretty sure it’s Sofia, looks in my almost empty bin and turns her head sideways.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Virtual paperwork.’ I say by way of explanation, but now he’s just looking worried. She thinks I’m a weirdo.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Maybe start in the main office, first.’ I say pointing to the darkened expanse outside my window, all the desks clear apart from trainee F’s workspace. I’ll genuinely throttle him, if he keeps forgetting to clear his desk before leaving. People look through our office window 24/7 and they want to see attractive, affordable housing. They obviously won’t see much of that, but I’d rather they didn’t see a pile of files, a stained tea mug and a half-eaten sandwich from Subway.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Damn it.’ I say to the ceiling tiles, as I look at my phone to see three missed calls from my wife and an urgently-winking WhatsApp logo. Seems she’s eaten her supper and what’s left for me, will be in a choice of the oven, the fridge, or the swing-bin.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I’d been so engrossed in the latest profit and loss account that time had just slipped away and now like some poor man’s Doctor Who, I’d rather like to travel back a bit and start again - obviously I’d not regenerate as a woman, that would just be odd….</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Rather than risk a full-blown argument by actually ringing home, I send an apologetic message via the family group, then realise, too late, that both my sons will also realise I’m an uncaring office slave, who doesn’t think enough about his wife. Then the phone rings.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Like some hopeless junkie, I try to resist the pull, not least because it might <i>actually</i> be my wife. But anyone in sales will tell you, a ringing phone is like a raging itch. You just have to scratch it.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Corporate greeting parroted, relief that it was a time-waster not my wife, is fleeting. I give the enquirer the information they want, then start to gather my things.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Always busy, no?’ Says the cleaner, looking up from emptying F’s bin, as I move into the main office.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Not always productively, I think, before answering in the affirmative. Out of the corner of my eye, I’ve noticed fat finance man M’s office light is still on. He’s nowhere to be seen, but as I go to switch off the fuel-during bulb, I have a vague recollection of the obese oaf waddling awards the gents’ toilets earlier, magazine under his arm.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Last man doing business today?’ Asks the woman, a waft of cheap perfume and stale sweat accompanying her question. I look towards the toilets at the back of the office. Possibly not. If M is still in there, straining to unload a week’s worth of compacted takeaways, she’s in for an unpleasant surprise. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I decide to risk it and head for the exit, with a cheery goodbye.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Seems I’m not the only one with a shitty job.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-2119472968325363222018-05-22T05:46:00.000+01:002018-05-22T05:46:45.180+01:00The Price Is Wrong - Tuesday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqTvZRwUI0HEXHmV-pgy3iZpmGqR7COTZH7BQgwEgU2ikpkkx22M_xGs33zdSfiJ7fDHQtsjVKfFozIeq37JhpVM-AmE-dsBuS-RJUynnfOrFoY4QMRXT3zSmfpz5wnALBV1j3/s1600/price+is+wrong.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqTvZRwUI0HEXHmV-pgy3iZpmGqR7COTZH7BQgwEgU2ikpkkx22M_xGs33zdSfiJ7fDHQtsjVKfFozIeq37JhpVM-AmE-dsBuS-RJUynnfOrFoY4QMRXT3zSmfpz5wnALBV1j3/s400/price+is+wrong.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>Please don’t say it.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘The thing is, we can’t afford to reduce our price, it’s so much more expensive where we want to move to.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I appreciate that.’ I say cautiously. You work hard enough to win instructions to sell from vendors, so you don’t want to lose them before you’ve earned a penny - unless you are an on-line outfit, who take the money up front and couldn’t care less afterwards…</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We need every last pound, or we’ll never get something as nice as our house.’ Says the wife, waving her hand round the dated lounge, with a faded 1980s wall frieze that will eventually come back in fashion, if they wait long enough.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>The intransigent woman has missed the irony of her comments. If it’s more expensive where they want to relocate to, you are not going to get the same property, for the same money. Are you?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>Please don’t say it.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What we’d really like to do.’ Begins the husband - please don’t say that either - ‘Is pick our house up and move it to Surrey.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Too late. Idiot. I should tell them, but truth is one of the first casualties of war - and property sales.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I expect you hear the a lot.’ Says the wife, with an apologetic shrug. Every f***ing day, madam.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Oh not really,’ I lie. ‘It’s an understandable sentiment.’ It’s not.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘So why exactly is our house not selling?’ Asks the husband, frowning.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Experience tells me to tread cautiously. Telling someone they might like to clear underwear off the radiators before viewings, or spray some air freshener around to mask the stench of their flea-bitten pets, or even wash-up the debris from last nights’ takeaway, isn’t always that well received. I’m wounded already, so another casualty in this war, I can do without. But they really need some straight-shooting.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You remember I recommended an asking price £15,000 less than we started with?’ I venture, by way of a probe at the enemies’ defences.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I remember you were £20,000 lower than two of the other agents we spoke to.’ Replies the wife, icily.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Reconnoitre over, heavy entrenched resistance ahead.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>In a spirit of gentle reconciliation, I list the data I have with me. The number of viewings so far, the adverts we’ve placed in the local press, the hits from the on-line property platforms. The feedback from the viewers.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Yes but we just haven’t found the right person yet.’ Says the wife, doggedly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Someone who likes water-marked whisper grey bathroom suites, a tired limed-oak kitchen with burns on the working surfaces and carpets with more stains than a tramp’s trousers?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You are just not bringing the right type of buyer round.’ Suggests the husband, with a hint of annoyance. One who likes to pay over-the-odds for a home that if they stay another decade without updating, could be one of those museum-piece time-capsule exhibits?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>Please don’t say it.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We might have to consider using another agent.’ Suggests the wife, confirming my fears, but not saying that hated phrase.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Now I’m really worried. If they’ve checked our sole agency agreement, they’ll know they can give me two weeks notice and I don’t want another agent to come in and sell at the price it should have been all along.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Of course I could have refused to place their home on the market at this inflated figure, at the beginning. But I fought off several other competing agents, two of which, vastly overstated the value to try and grab the business and lock out the other agents. Old estate agency adage: If you haven’t got it, you can’t sell it.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I take a deep breath and tell them my suggested price reduction, sweetened with a fresh advertising push and some advertorial in the local free rag. I pause and pray.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b></b></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>Please don’t say it.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b></b></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You must be joking.’ Says the husband.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b></b></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I’m not. But please don’t say it, anyway. The wife scowls at me. Here it comes.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We’re not giving it away, you know.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>And there it is.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Again.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-45952773785511452662018-05-11T06:21:00.000+01:002018-05-11T06:21:50.917+01:00Everyone Knows My Name - Friday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk6SiAMKDMljcAtF-6h_T1w5idSfEp-HZf2UPT1zNbOkEvedzd193aEojMurYevZxEZaL90XAlxMvYj_8sah88XNtTUhqzx7ZJ6PUJcQ-xJN3YwcgS156X4NYjNL2QA0fcKwsF/s1600/barmaid+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1133" data-original-width="1600" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk6SiAMKDMljcAtF-6h_T1w5idSfEp-HZf2UPT1zNbOkEvedzd193aEojMurYevZxEZaL90XAlxMvYj_8sah88XNtTUhqzx7ZJ6PUJcQ-xJN3YwcgS156X4NYjNL2QA0fcKwsF/s400/barmaid+2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You buying again?’ Asks the pretty barmaid who will doubtless be moving on to something more challenging before long.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>We’re in the pub, for the Friday drinks session. My team, as always, a few paces behind me at the bar. Within hailing distance to confirm drink requests but out of contactless payment reach.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It’s sort of an end of the week tradition.’ I say, as I confirm the beverage requests and try not to stare as the barmaid heaves, alluringly, on the real ale pump, in a low-cut top.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Cheers boss.’ Calls out trainee F, as he necks some hideously sweet flavoured cider concoction with ice in the pint glass.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Yes, thanks.’ Confirms negotiator S, as she accepts her gin and tonic and appears to scowl, at the barmaid. Surely she’s not jealous, of the slight attention I’ve received? Almost, certainly not.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Buying the team a drink in the pub, is a tradition I inherited when I first started in the business, all those years ago. I keep it up, almost out of nostalgia, as nobody stays for more than a couple any longer with the drink drive laws as they are. The days when the old surveyor and our commercial agency man used to down three pints of a lunchtime, then go on to down-value a competitor’s house sale and let a tertiary-positioned shop unit to Blockbuster, have long gone.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Do they ever buy you one back?’ Asks the barmaid, as the others circle round a table, like Red Indians at a wagon train.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Not really.’ I say, with a hint of melancholy.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You probably put it all down on expenses and claim it back.’ Posits the girl.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You’ve not met my bean-counter boss.’ I say sourly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Which one is he?’ She asks, nodding toward my tribe.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I wouldn’t be here if he was.’ I say, abruptly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Got the hots for the barmaid boss?’ Asks F, when I join my staff.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Eugh.’ Cries S. ‘He’s old enough to be her father.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I frown at S.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Anyway he’s not like that.’ She adds hurriedly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They all are.’ Says lettings lush B, with feeling.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Time to change the subject.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Good week guys.’ I pronounce, drawing deeply on my pint and wishing I could stay all evening.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Make sure you say that loudly, when the dirtbags from up the road come in.’ Says assistant manager T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Yes, because they’ll be lying about the week they’ve had, at maximum volume.’ Says S.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>And as if on cue, in walk the competitors, all loud suits and lairy attitude. I can feel my skin crawl.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>It always amazes me when there is a furore about agents, illegally, colluding over fees in a town and forming a cartel. Every patch I’ve always worked the estate agents are at each others throats, each trying to steal the others’ business and undercut their fees. There’s not a lot of love lost.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Alright guys?’ Calls out the manager of our rivals. He’s a good twenty years younger than me with not a hint of grey hair. I dislike him intensely.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Yes.’ I answer loudly. ‘Had a cracking week, market is going crazy.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>He looks momentarily annoyed, then recovers his equilibrium.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Yes, we’ve smashed it again.’ He crows. ‘Surprised we’ve left any business for you lot.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>He’s a liar, whereas I have obviously just been a little creative with my market report.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Arsehole.’ Hisses T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘If they are doing that well, why do they have to keep touting our instructions and upsetting our vendors?’ Snarls S.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They are all arseholes.’ Says B, gloomily.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘That lot, or men in general?’ Ask S, with a chuckle.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You work it out.’ Growls B, downing her wine in one hit.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I watch as the rival group all get drinks and encamp to the opposite side of the pub. At least with the on-line agents you don’t actually have to see them and chances are they won’t answer the phone….</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Another drink anyone?’ I eventually ask, after people have been nursing almost empty glasses for an uncomfortable length of time. Suddenly people are downing fluids faster than camels at an oasis.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘In the chair again?’ Asks the barmaid.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Yes. An orthopaedic one. </b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-19193579268137012782018-04-26T06:14:00.000+01:002018-04-26T06:14:07.731+01:00Social Housing - Thursday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJODK0Hq-uj0l7-jJBwDM2IcFBjYSfY8GO5w7Fo3aXN2AUbsNi_1tnFQ9Lb8VcHK_K4XV-H6c39k7j6yB4qNevd5cUvmx3gwcX952bSkXicqaBUXK36SllFf972xHhksn1eAyd/s1600/blowfly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="221" data-original-width="300" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJODK0Hq-uj0l7-jJBwDM2IcFBjYSfY8GO5w7Fo3aXN2AUbsNi_1tnFQ9Lb8VcHK_K4XV-H6c39k7j6yB4qNevd5cUvmx3gwcX952bSkXicqaBUXK36SllFf972xHhksn1eAyd/s320/blowfly.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>'I'm not sure how much longer I've got.' Says loose lettings lush B, looking at me mournfully.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I nearly side-swipe a badly parked, not-so-Smart car, as I look askance at her. God is it the big C, I think grimly, as I slow the company car and ponder what platitude I can give to a washed-up sexually desperate drunk, with something terminal?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Have they given you a time-span?’ I finally ask weakly, thinking I’m not equipped to deal with this, despite the human resources-led courses I’ve been on teaching empathy and awareness of others, particularly vulnerable women.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Who?’ Asks B frowning.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Err, the doctors.’ I say falteringly, as a mad mother shoves her baby in a pushchair out in to the road as a way of getting a crossing. I wave the woman and child across and start to realise I’ve made another faux-pas. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Why would I talk to a doctor about it?’ Says B. ‘Unless it’s to ask for more anti-depressants.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘When you said not much longer….’ I falter.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘F**k no.’ Laughs B. ‘I’m not dying.’ She pauses. ‘Well maybe a little inside. I meant this bloody job. How much longer can I cope with lying scumbags and low-lifes who trash properties and get aggressive with me then expect to be re-housed by the council once they’ve wrecked one of my landlords’ homes and been evicted with eight months rent arrears?’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘That’s a relief I thought it was something serious.’ I tell B.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It is serious.’ She snaps.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘True, but we all come to hate the public in the end, it’s the few decent and honest ones we deal with that make it worth while.’ </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘When do I get to meet them?’ She asks, voice wobbling.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Socially or professionally?’ </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Piss off.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>B has a point. You don’t often see people at their best when it comes to property transactions. Greed anger, frustration - to name but three in a toxic cocktail of emotions - come together to make the whole process fraught and confrontational. The fact that I’m accompanying B to re-enter a trashed flat one of her clients has just gained back from two junkies, with two young children who are rumoured to now be in care, probably isn’t helping her mood.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Seriously though,’ continues B, leaning across, her over-short skirt riding up discomfortingly ‘I’m thinking of jacking it all in.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>The one night stands, the drinking too heavily, the quiet desperation of an internal clock ticking, whether it’s for a baby or a better job?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We all have days like that?’ I tell her blandly, starting to get uncomfortable with her proximity and emotional state. After much re-education from head office, the male/female relationship at work has become so potentially dangerous that I’m scared to say anything any longer for fear of offence, real or imagined. I’m just waiting for the trans-gender awareness course to drop, then I’ll have the full set.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Shit.’ I say recoiling back as the door opens to a pile of junk-mail, final demands and an aroma of something rotting. ‘Watch out for needles.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘See what I mean.’ Says B, awkwardly close behind me. She’d been too frightened to come to the flat alone and now I’m wishing I’d brought a chaperone too. If someone is going to get physically abused it’s going to be me, whether or not the tenants have broken back in and are about to try and f**k me up.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Its the fridge.’ I say gagging slightly as we look at the trashed kitchen, what looks like dried blood on the walls, half-eaten takeaway trays covering the surfaces and bags of broken bin-liners strewn around the cloyingly-sticky floor. ‘It’s always the fridge.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘How can these animals live like this?’ Asks B, suppressing a sob. ‘This is going to cost thousands to clean up, not to mention the lost rent my landlord has suffered. And we’ll be paying to keep these deadbeats in a bed and breakfast.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Power is off.’ I say unnecessarily, as we edge toward the fridge and the all-pervading stench. If it’s blow-flies again I’m going to gag.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Thank god for the extra strong mints in my glove box.</b></span></div>
secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-81463265505601216432018-04-10T07:51:00.000+01:002018-04-10T07:51:19.502+01:00Release Me - Tuesday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJH3nMSdnypdHcx2Tf7lPevzPDgC0rJ34gJLXgSP0ip4M-Yc-M0Md90zIBmIDTWdreq67eFXxKtGaBQM3IvGLcAkx-0RtFmJ3g9AXI7rfWU-3xTvM0JHSixPc0GaIXByyN-LWf/s1600/Release.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="550" data-original-width="1170" height="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJH3nMSdnypdHcx2Tf7lPevzPDgC0rJ34gJLXgSP0ip4M-Yc-M0Md90zIBmIDTWdreq67eFXxKtGaBQM3IvGLcAkx-0RtFmJ3g9AXI7rfWU-3xTvM0JHSixPc0GaIXByyN-LWf/s400/Release.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I’m sitting in a late-middle aged couples’ lounge, with a tea tray, best china and some enticing looking biscuits. These are good signs. Most people despise estate agents and wouldn’t give you the time of day, let alone some freshly-brewed darjeeling, the Royal Doulton and chocolate Hob-Nobs.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We called you in because we’ve used you before.’ Says the husband with a warm smile. Yes you did sir, and I remember. I might struggle with siblings’ birthdays and wedding anniversary dates, but I pretty much remember every client I’ve ever dealt with.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘And we trust you.’ Adds the wife warmly. I sit back in the glow of unaccustomed appreciation. Hopefully they won’t quibble too much when it comes to the sole agency fee. Not that I’ll rip these nice people off. I just know they’ll be prepared to pay a fair fee for a good job. Those who’ve moved home a few times know the value a good agent can bring to the smooth conclusion of a sale, in an often fraught marketplace.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You’ve been around the block a few times.’ Continues the wife. ‘ Not like some of these kids in shiny suits.’ Okay, that’s probably enough praise now.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We wanted someone who knows the ropes and will give us straight answers. You’re long-enough in the tooth not to try all that sales and smokescreens bullshit.’ Adds the husband, leaning forward to pour the tea.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I sit back and sip the brew, waiting for them to speak. Silence can be a strong weapon in a sales situation. Too many of these, fresh out of school unqualified youngsters, forget it can be better to listen. They just talk at the potential client without engaging. I’ve done the walk round the house, have some provisional details ready to draw-up and a price in mind. Prior preparation, prevents poor performance.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Of course we really don’t want to move.’ Says the wife, with a shrug. I just manage not to spray their off-white carpet with milky tea.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You don’t?’ I splutter , hesitantly. Surely this isn’t another fool’s errand? If these people just want an insurance valuation and are too tight to pay for one, I might actually soil their carpet.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You see we keep seeing these adverts on daytime television.’ Says the husband by way of incipient explanation.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Funeral plans for those not suspecting a sudden death, by way of angry estate agent? I think absurdly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘And there must be a catch.’ Adds the wife.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Of course there is lady, it’s daytime television. They’re not appealing to anyone lucid and in gainful employment.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What do you know about equity release?’ Asks the husband, finally revealing why I’m here. Obviously most financial advisors now charge for advice - and if they don’t you have to ask questions about the product they are advising you purchase. This pair want the benefit of my long property experience for the price of a cuppa and some of McVitie’s finest. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>People who haven’t saved sufficiently for their retirement and think the uplift in property prices is the answer to their financial incontinence, see this wheeze as a way to stay in their home and fund a few round the world cruises and party lifestyle, until the health gives up. The debt is often the disappointed beneficiaries’ problem. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You realise you are just deferring the interest cost and have no method of repaying it other than selling up when you can no longer cope with the house.’ I say cautiously. I already come across families in distress from the last time this method of ‘free-money’ from you home was popular. Elderly people who didn’t think they’d live as long and now are being pressed to sell to repay a long-spent loan, for a kitchen and a Saga holiday. The next big miss-selling scandal?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘But we can have all this money and stay in our home.’ Counters the wife. Until they ask for it back or the interest wipes out any equity you have left and gives your children a debt to repay along with the funeral costs, I ponder sourly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘So you don’t really get something for nothing.’ Concludes the husband at the door.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Only me.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-40155207348505302312018-03-28T07:47:00.000+01:002018-03-28T07:47:14.641+01:00Some Help To Buy - Wednesday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Who has he got in there?’ I ask, nodding towards fat finance man M’s office, where a fresh-faced couple are listening earnestly to him.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Couple of first time buyers.’ Answers assistant manager T, with a theatrical rubbing of hands.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘He’ll eat them alive.’ Suggests loose lettings lush B, with a smirk.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Literally?’ Asks trainee F, with a worried look. He’s been watching too many cannibal holocaust films.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘No, figuratively. ‘ I tell him, to no appreciable enlightenment.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Just because he’s big-boned, you can’t make fattest comments like that.’ Reprimands negotiator S, in an unexpected show of sympathy towards the portly policy peddler. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘He’s just a greedy pig.’ Corrects B.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘He says it’s hormonal.’ Defends S, wavering slightly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They all do.’ Responds B dismissively.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What do you think boss?’ Asks F.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>What? I wonder. Do I imagine M is a morbidly obese glutton with no off-button? Yes. Do I think he’s more interested in his commission, than the naive young buyers, or perish the thought, the client of ours whose flat they might be buying? Yes. Will I do anything about it with finance sales’ targets and a year end objective that seems further away than manned flight to Mars. Definitely not.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘He has to fill out a fact find and an audit trail to demonstrate he’s given the best advice.’ I parrot, almost word for word from an unconvincing sales’ meeting chaired by the company’s financial services supremo, an ungracious man with an attitude and an abacus. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Bollocks.’ Scoffs T. ‘You don’t believe that for one minute after all you’ve said about endowment policies he miss-sold and don’t even start me on PPI.’ </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Boom.’ Exclaims F excitedly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I look at him quizzically, not for the first time.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘He slam-dunked you there boss.’ Says F, grin faltering.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Bit mean to send F out on a solo leaflet drop in this weather.’ Says S, ten minutes later.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It’s all part of the learning process.’ I counter, watching as the young couple start to rise and leave M’s office, clutching enough paper to take out a small rain forest. They look bemused, which is probably just what M intended.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Can they buy the Devonshires’ flat?’ Asks T, almost before the office door has closed.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘No. Can’t afford it, they need to buy new. I’ve signed them up for a Help To Buy scheme, they’ve seen a new build for £300,000.’ Says M with a greedy grin.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘But, the Devonshires will take £250,000 or near as damn it.’ Says T bemused.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Got to be a new build.’ Replies M. ‘That way they get 20% on a deferred interest loan from the Government. You should know that.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>T looks a little crestfallen, as the young couple were introduced to M, by him. Now they will be helping a developer to obtain a price they wouldn’t get without the Government’s deeply-flawed, but well-intentioned, Help To Buy Scheme. I’m not great with figures, but it seems they are paying 20% over the odds, <i>and</i> over what they could otherwise afford, just to keep the Chairman and shareholders of a major developer, in Tuscan villas and Range Rovers.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’ll never be able to buy my own home.’ Grumbles F.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You could with Help To Buy.’ Counters M.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘How long is the Government equity loan deferred for?’ Asks T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Five years with nothing to pay.’ Crows M, smiling.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘And their deposit?’ Questions S.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Only need to find five percent, instead of ten.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>So propping up unsustainable prices for builders. I think sourly. I’ve seen two property crashes and my team still don’t believe it ever happens. It does.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Boss, do you think it’s a good deal?’ Queries F. All eyes turn towards me.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘How long is the mortgage term for?’ I say to M, deflecting for time. M has the good grace to look slightly embarrassed.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Erm, thirty-nine years.’ He mumbles through a cough.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘F**k me, did you flog them a funeral plan as well?’ Demands T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Now I know I’m old fashioned, but if you can’t buy a home over twenty-five years, you shouldn’t be buying it.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Don’t stress it.’ Says M. ‘ Their parents will be dead by then and they’ll inherit.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Best advice.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-65964443645919771262018-03-13T07:36:00.000+00:002018-03-13T07:36:22.839+00:00You Move Me - Monday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Can you help us? Our solicitor and agent are useless.’ Pleads the red-eyed woman sat at my desk.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>It’s not the first time I’ve heard that particular request. They say moving home is the third most stressful life-event after death and divorce - and I’m not convinced death fully-qualifies as a <i>life-event….</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i></i></b></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>‘</i>They’re a bunch of idle f***wits.’ Says the husband, to a scowl of disapproval from his tearful wife.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I’m tempted to raise the old adage that public and government contract-awarders alike tend to forget - you get what you pay for. This couple are my buyers, so my duty isn’t to them it’s to my vendors, the people paying my fee, but unless I sort this mess my clients won’t move and I won’t get paid.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Our agent just never answers the phone and the cowboy who came round and over-valued our house has just disappeared.’ Moans the woman. Cowboys tend to get shot, I think fleetingly, but in this case I suspect he’s just ridden off into a purple-hazed sunset.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘And the outfit he recommended as solicitors seems to be staffed by an ever-changing bunch of schoolboys who don’t do their homework.’ Spits the husband.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Like dealing with a call-centre?’ I venture mischievously.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Precisely.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>No surprise there. Maybe next time employ a traditional estate agent and a proper, local lawyer?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘So why couldn’t our lot do that?’ Asks the wife an hour later, after I’ve spoken to the whole chain, three sets of solicitors and a reluctant lender, agreed an expedited mortgage offer and a proposed completion date. Because you paid a cheap fee up-front and they have no incentive to do anything, other that look for the next mug-punter to sign up? I think angrily.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘If we ever move agin I won’t be using an on-line load of idiots.’ Says the husband, offering me his hand as the couple leave. Great, I think, maybe come back and see me next time?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Oh we won’t be moving again.’ Interjects his wife. ‘Never!’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Not so great.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Maybe one day, if a UK Housing Minister stays in post longer than a few months, we’ll have a joined-up policy for the industry. But I suspect I’ll be long gone. Other countries demand a minimum standard of education to practice as an estate agent - or realtor - and a sound form of licensing and monitoring. We continue to think <i>cheap</i> is value for money and when engaging a future service, you don’t find out until it’s too late, you’ve been duped.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Mrs Simmonds on line three.’ Announces negotiator S, later in the day. She’ll be ringing to say how delighted she is I’ve achieved a full-price asking price on her flat after just a fortnight of intensive marketing, five viewings and two competing offers, I think a little smugly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’m not really happy with the amount of fee I’m paying you.’ Says Mrs Simmonds by way of a greeting. The wind coming out of my sails is almost audible.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You don’t seem do have done a lot for the money.’ She moans and a lengthy diatribe about skill-sets, expertise, exam qualifications and the job being far from over, spools through may head. I should introduce Mrs Simmonds to the couple I had in the office earlier. They left singing my praises and wanting to bear my children - but then again they didn’t pay me a bean…</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I wonder if I’ve undersold it.’ Continues Mrs Simmonds, in the time-honoured whine of an owner who is unhappy if you sell too soon and quick to change agents if you take too long. I’m tempted to give her the number of the on-line outfit my new friends employed, but they probably wouldn’t answer the phone.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What did Mrs Simmonds want?’ Asks negotiator S, after I’ve convinced the woman she won’t be paying me a penny until I nurse the deal through to a successful moving day.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What do they all want?’ I snap back.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Something for nothing?’ Ventures S, with a beguiling smile.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>There you go.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-73567577936148521652018-02-20T06:18:00.000+00:002018-02-20T06:18:09.042+00:00Upload And Forget - Tuesday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Oh for f***s sake!’ Exclaims assistant manager T, as his phone handset hits the cradle damagingly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What is it?’ Asks negotiator S, with a sympathetic smile.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Another w****r who is making a huge property mistake.’ Spits T, angrily.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You’re going to need to narrow it down a bit.’ Replies S with a giggle.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>She has a point. Even the most seasoned of businesspeople have blinkers on when it comes to making sensible decisions on property matters. It’s a murky fog of greed, emotion and anxiety - no wonder you need a trusted professional to hold your hand.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Those f***-wits in the two bed flat I valued have only gone and given it to some on-line cowboys for an up-front fee.’ Reveals T, face turning puce.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘That’s their look out then.’ Soothes S. ‘They’ll most likely be back in three months, chastened and out of pocket.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They’ll be too embarrassed to see me again.’ Predicts T, probably accurately. ‘ It’ll end up on the market with those idiots down the road.’ T sweeps a derisory hand towards one of our competitors in town, a cheap-and-cheerful outfit - without the humour element.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I imagine you pointed out to them the folly of paying in advance for a future service?’ I say, semi-rhetorically.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Of course I cocking did.’ Snarls T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Swear box is is waiting.’ I admonish, nodding towards the office expletive collector.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Put me down for a f***ing fiver then.’ Says T dismissively. ‘I’m fed-up with these myopic idiots.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>T has a point. As I try to tell the public and train my staff; if you buy a car, it’s pretty easy to see the distinction in price between a Mercedes and a Micra. But trying to compare a service - one you’ve yet to receive - on the basis of some promises from a profession that is hardly held in high esteem by the public, isn’t such an easy pitch.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘These cretins don’t seem to understand getting a sale through to completion is massively more than just listing a home on a property portal.’ Says T, dejectedly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They’ll find out.’ Soothes S.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Not until it’s too late.’ Grumbles T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>He’s right again. Most high street agents offer a no-sale, no-fee, arrangement. The hard work often begins after a sale has been agreed, with lender and title problems, protracted chains to negotiate and a several month sale process to navigate. This is when an experienced and qualified estate agent earns their corn.They have to, otherwise they don’t get paid.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Why do people do it?’ Wails T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Because they think they are saving a thousand pounds or two.’ Says S.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘More often than not, they under-sell if the market isn’t tested property.’ Replies T. ‘And that’s before the sale has to be rescued multiple times ahead of an exchange of contracts.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They probably signed up for the on-line cowboys’ call-centre conveyancing service too.’ Says S, not helping matters.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>This is another area yet to be fully understood by a naive public. A cheap shirt, you pretty much know is going to fall apart after a wash or two - a cheap solicitor will leave you even more exposed.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Obviously some people will have a successful experience with an on-line estate agent, but in my view it’s the digital equivalent of putting a postcard advertising your house in a newsagent’s window. Just for £1,000 - not £2.50 a fortnight.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Did they pay the money in advance, or take the deferred payment option?’ I ask T. Some outfits, dodge the thorny issue of folk not wanting to pay ahead of delivery, by signing the seller up on a pay-later scheme. I wouldn’t advise my worst enemy to do that.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Paid now.’ Says T. ‘ I mean, it’s like shelling out for an over-priced hooker and finding she doesn’t come.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘And neither do you.’ Adds loose lettings lush B, unhelpfully. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>It’s not. Although…..</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Make a note to call them once a fortnight until they are ready to use us.’ I instruct T. ‘They’ll probably be talking to you more often than some faceless, so called local property expert, who lives fifty miles away.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They don’t deserve me.’ Snipes T.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>They do.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-23456535372728940172018-02-02T06:40:00.000+00:002018-02-02T06:40:20.142+00:00Cash Is My King - Friday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘So this is your third viewing of the house.’ I say to the late-middle-aged couple I’m with, as we re-convene in the lounge after a lengthy inspection involving opening cupboards unnecessarily and an awkward moment in the vendor’s underwear drawer.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Of course I know it’s their third visit. I don’t spend precious time with people without qualifying them first. There are only so many hours in the day and literally millions of time-wasters out there. I blame Channel Four and its incessant property porn programming.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Yes.’ Acknowledges the husband grudgingly. ‘But we won’t be bounced into any quick decisions by anyone.’ Of course you won’t.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘He’s always been cautious.’ Says the wife, with an apologetic grin.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Now I’m thinking how dull their sex life must be, rather than how soon I can get back to the office if they are not going to make a bid. Once you get past a third viewing and still don’t make an offer, the chances of a deal recede faster than Jude Law’s hairline.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>This house will sell, that I know. The owners have listened to my advice on price, as they’re committed and not greedy. Other agents had tempted them with unrealistic valuations and an on-line outfit wanted the best part of £1,000 up-front with no motivation to do anything else, but the owners were experienced and sensible. If this pair don’t make a decision soon, I’ll find someone who will. But they are in a good position….</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I understand you are cash buyers.’ I say as the couple prevaricate. It’s always best to double-check and our office idiot, trainee F, conducted the first two viewings. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Yes.’ Says the husband smugly, adding. ‘You lot love that don’t you.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Well, it’s better the offering pork bellies, or some smoke and mirrors digital virtual currency like Bitcoin, that I’m convinced will turn out to be some enormous Ponzi scheme when it finally unravels. Caveat Emptor.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Well if the money is in the bank and you are ready to sign a contract, unhindered by another sale, it puts you in a strong position.’ I say, by way of clarity. Although, some of the corporate estate agency chains would rather buyers used their mortgage services and pet conveyancing operations, as the secret profit kickbacks add <i>value</i> to every transaction.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Well it will be.’ Says the wife.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>It’s not an audible alarm, but it might as well be. My heart sinks. Surely F has qualified this pair properly? We’ve spent hours with them already, plus I picked them up from the station as they are obviously too stingy to cough for a taxi.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘So, the money is not ready.’ I probe, as the husband scowls at his wife.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Once the sale goes through it will be.’ Says the husband curtly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘You’re selling another home?’ I ask, thinking if it’s not even under offer, I’ll probably enter orbit shortly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It’s not a house.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b> Says the man, dismissively.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>What then? Good god, is it a racehorse? A classic car, some pre-renaissance painting?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We’re selling a business.’ Enlightens the man. I’d have preferred them to be flogging Shergar - once they find him.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘So not a cash purchase.’ I advance wearily.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘It will be, once the deal goes through.’ Counters the man, peevishly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Commercial business sales are infamously long-winded, as buyers and sellers argue over premises, stock and that notoriously hard to value, <i>goodwill </i>element. A buyer in a matrimonial sale would be, statistically, more likely to perform than this pair. I can find a better buyer for my client. I just can.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What time is your train?’ I ask flatly, as we head back towards the station.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Oh not for another couple of hours.’ Says the wife. ‘We were wondering if you could drop us off at one of your competitors, we’ve a viewing booked with them in fifteen minutes.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Where’s F?’ I demand angrily when I get back to the office. I’m pretty sure the couple’s train will be diesel, or electric, but if not I’ve raised enough steam to power the Flying f***ing Scotsman.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Out to lunch.’ Says negotiator S, warily.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Permanently.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22726546.post-48040301144289253062018-01-22T05:24:00.000+00:002018-01-22T05:24:05.101+00:00Accidental Landlord - Monday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfM1KCnlK9SLpGYj1Z3U5ndxvxN1NextbdoEkkItxtW6zmpUxvWyxcYU04vYCYOo4xe6VJlenUMMKeP8iGsddpau1iYzN0FUYubi0w3qYS45aBvp3LKSHaLVgnv6EGybcCAbwI/s1600/budgie+training.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfM1KCnlK9SLpGYj1Z3U5ndxvxN1NextbdoEkkItxtW6zmpUxvWyxcYU04vYCYOo4xe6VJlenUMMKeP8iGsddpau1iYzN0FUYubi0w3qYS45aBvp3LKSHaLVgnv6EGybcCAbwI/s320/budgie+training.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Loose lettings lush B, has a grumpy-looking middle-aged couple sat at her desk. It’s fairly obvious the expensive German saloon car with personalised plates illegally parked outside the office window, is their car. The latent socialist insider me, wants to despise them, but I’ve learned the hard way not to be too quick to judge. There are two sides to every story.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘First thing you need to know.’ Says the man to B, assertively. ‘Is I won’t entertain any tenants on benefits.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I get that one-hundred percent.’ replies B, with feeling. ‘They are the bane of my life.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We’re on the same page then.’ Responds the man. ‘I’ve spent too much on lawyers and court fees to have another single mother with a sob story and three kids by three different men, spend the rent money on alcohol and tattoos and not pay me.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Now I hate stereotyping and there are plenty of decent people who have fallen on hard times, who need help. The trouble is there are too many for the taxpayer to cope and an awkward minority turn private landlords away from renting to them, by trashing their properties and spending the state-paid rent money on anything but the rent.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘We will only consider proper couples, in decent jobs with cast-iron references.’ Says the woman, leaning in towards B, as if she doesn’t want anyone else to hear. I am, of course, listening fervently. For a moment I thought she was going to say they wanted to exclude potential tenants on racial grounds. We’ve come a long way since landladies put signs in their front windows stating, <i>No Blacks or Irish, </i>and thank goodness for that. Although her undertones tend to suggest they might want us to profile people on their sexuality. It’s illegal and won’t be happening on my watch.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I really want to dislike this couple, but then they may have become accidental landlords like thousands of others when past chancellor, Gordon Brown, ransacked their pension pots, by moving the tax goalposts. And if I could afford any savings, money that didn’t make any tangible interest, maybe I too would want a sensible return by buying a second property. I certainly wouldn’t want some irresponsible scumbag, who trashed the decor, alienated the neighbours and didn’t pay the rent in there. And, I suspect, neither would you.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Is that your car?’ Says assists manager T, pointing at the Mercedes with the blinking hazard lights, as he hurries through the door.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Yes.’ Says the landlord warily.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Only the traffic warden is on his way up the high street, with a glint in his eye.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Blimey,’ says T with a chuckle as the door rattlers in its frame and the disturbed air swishes around the office. ‘Didn’t think old people could move that fast.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They weren’t that old.’ I counter defensively, as the car disappears from view, just as the trainee nazi traffic warden skulks past. He looks in threateningly. God, it’s no wonder there are so many empty commercial shop units in town.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘I’m glad they are gone.’ Says negotiator S, with an attractive pout. She’s magnificent when angry.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Thanks a bunch.’ Snarls B, as she watches a potential client drive away.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘They were pair of bigoted old bastards.’ Snaps back S. ‘There are laws about people like that.’</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Would you like some drunken-slapper in your house, not paying the rent.’ Asks B, without a hint of irony. She freeloaded at the last boyfriend’s flat for six months, drinking his sauvignon in return for sex, until he changed the locks. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>If the last ten UK Housing Ministers had the hint of a strategy and had stayed in place long enough for the sign-writer to put their name on the Westminster door, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess. Reliant on a pressurised private sector of landlords to plug the gaps. For years this country has had too few properties, over-inflated prices for the average worker and no sustainable social homes building policy.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Given half an hour and a box of bird feed I could train a budgie to do a better job - but I’ve got to fly.</b></span></div>
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secret agenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09349969960942971932noreply@blogger.com0