Showing posts with label vegan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vegan. Show all posts

Monday, December 03, 2018

Hunger Games - Monday


‘The estate agent, right?’ Asks a familiar face, as I try to remain invisible on my trip to the sandwich shop.

I see a lot of people, as I’ve said before, but it’s the homes I remember not the names. This guy I know I’ve met, but I can’t for the life of me remember when. He doesn’t look like a professional, too scruffy, so i’m guessing I haven’t lunched with him on a lawyer’s firm’s tab.

‘You don’t remember me do you? ‘ He presses, making me feel even more awkward, but not as awkward as a mate who was posed the same question by a familiar-looking woman in a supermarket a few years ago. The empty silence he struggled through, was worse than this encounter, when the humiliated woman had to reming him they used to be married thirty years ago. That’s what you get if you trade in every decade. 

‘I do.’ I lie at the man, now standing in front of me. I don’t. ‘Can you put it in context, only I see so many different faces each week.’
‘You sold my late-mother’s house.’ He says flatly, a hint of a tear welling up.
Now I’m not sure if the emotion is a reminder of his lost mum, or the price he had to accept on an inheritance that often disappoints, once the nursing fees have been reimbursed and the other siblings have taken their cut.

Thankfully it comes to me. ‘ The Avenue, right?’
‘That’s it.’ He says smiling. Still no idea of his name.
‘It was a beautiful old house.‘ I tell the man, genuinely. ‘Sort of garden you don’t get any more.’
‘They loved that garden, so did I.’ He says wistfully, as my stomach starts to rumble. This reminiscing is all very well, but unless he is buying or selling another property I’d rather he used a professional therapist to sort out his dead parent issues.

‘So what’s the market doing?’ Asks the man, with an expectant look. Great, free advice that he’ll ignore if it doesn’t tell him what he wants to hear.
‘Are you thinking of buying, or selling?’ I ask, because it makes a difference. 
‘Oh neither really.’ He replies as I start to wonder if all the best sandwiches in the meal deal will be gone by the time I get there. I draw the line at the vegan, low-calorie, low taste options. I need something to have died to fill out the brown bread….

‘I’m just interested in what the market does.’ The man enlightens, as I start to go through an internal checklist of male names, I sometimes run, starting with Aaron and progressing through to Zackary.

‘I love watching those property programmes.’ He continues, as I stumble somewhere around Leonard and Liam. ‘And I’m forever on the internet looking at stuff I’ll never be able to have.’ You and me both fella, but I suspect not the same portals.

‘It is addictive.’ I agree, thinking - unless you are in the industry.
‘I know,’ he gushes. ‘I’d love to do your job, it must be fantastic going inside all those homes every day.’ Not if they have cats, I want to say, but I have a vague recollection that his late-mother’s home ponged of pets, either that or she’d been soiling the carpets.

‘So what do you have to do to get into the business?’ Presses the man, eagerly. Paul maybe, or Peter?
Not paid attention at school, I ache to say, but sooner or later you need to get over your lack of academic achievement.
‘You don’t have to pass any formal exams.’ I say, still unable to believe it myself. ‘ At least not in this country.’ 

‘That doesn’t seem right.’He says frowning. Tell me about it Samuel, or perhaps Stephen. ‘So I could become an estate agent then?’
‘If you wanted to.’ Though why springs to mind, particularly at this guy’s age. It’s a young person’s job. Someone yet to be scarred by life and its setbacks.

‘Food for thought. He says before nodding and wondering off, leaving me bemused.


Spelt bread, with avocado slices. Thanks a lot, William.

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Sunday, January 20, 2013

Something For The Weekend - Saturday


I’m drumming my fingers on the desk like an over-wound metronome. The noise echoes round the empty office as the clock ticks relentlessly towards opening time and still I’m the only one here. A tertiary background noise is thrumming in tandem with digits and second hand and I’m momentarily puzzled, until I realise it’s my heart running at an unhealthy beats-per-minute rate. I just need the teeth gnashing to start and a complete meltdown is only moments away.

‘Sorry I’m late.’ Puffs the weekend lady apologetically. She’s too mumsy and polite to shout at, despite the ringing in my ears and the latent anger of having to be working at the weekend. An annoyance that has lasted more than two decades, while contemporaries who paid more attention at school play golf, squash or shag their neighbour’s wife on a Saturday. I mutter an acknowledgement and scan the diary to double-check a sea of viewings that will challenge my navigational skills around a busy town centre, given some of the timings. I’ve already gathered more keys than a pedantic prison warden would keep and my clipboard has print outs of the appointments and property details clipped to it in chronological order. It borders on obsessive compulsive, but with better dress sense and no vegan dishes on the menu.

Finally the door opens five minutes after the published start time and B our loose lettings lush stumbles in looking dishevelled.
‘Morning.’ She mutters with the hint of a slur. I only just stop myself from uttering a sarcastic, good afternoon, as she wobbles to the kitchen and the kettle is audibly filled. The weekend lady, totally oblivious to body language - as her woeful viewings and financial service performance confirms - starts to dribble on about her children and some school event she attended in the week. I’m not in a good place.

‘Nice sports jacket.’ Mocks B as she returns clutching a steaming mug of something that might just have an alcoholic addition she thinks I don’t know about. There’s no sign of a drink for me, or the rotund mother who can’t make mortgage or valuation appointments but thinks I might be interested in her nine-year old daughter’s performance on the recorder. A scream at this juncture seems a reasonable option. I agonised over the non-matching trouser and jacket combo long and hard and now any fragile sartorial elegance confidence has been undermined by a slack slapper with gin in her veins - if not her coffee - and what looks to be last night’s blouse still on.

‘Dress down Saturday.’ I tell her, thinking viciously she has one every day, usually with a different bloke. I know there’s a lot of choice on the Internet but surely her dating profile must carry some sort of virus warning by now?
‘I prefer a man in a suit, or true casual like chinos and a polo top.’ Posits B. And I thought just trousers and no school homework to do, was her benchmark.
‘I think it looks very smart.’ Says comfy cardigan lady, finally tapping in to this earth’s atmosphere. It’s not the sort of endorsement I really want but better than the one for speeding I picked up when late for an appointment last month.

When I first started in this benighted industry I thought a blue blazer, with shiny gold buttons and grey trousers was suitable attire for the Saturday/Sunday stint, but then I also had the faint trace of a mullet hair cut and flirted with a moustache briefly. I’ve always been judged on sales figures but thank God they didn’t monitor fashion sense back then. At least pre-social media era there’s no digital traces on-line of that particular history.

‘Got much on?’ Asks B, bringing me back from my reverie with a start. Briefly I think she’s still referring to my clothes until I realise she’s talking appointments. I recite the list that will keep me out of the office for most of the truncated working day while others wash cars, watch live football in the pub or waste estate agents time viewing properties they have no intention of buying.

Happy days.

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The book nobody tried to ban..