Showing posts with label Smart car. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Smart car. Show all posts

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Social Housing - Thursday


'I'm not sure how much longer I've got.' Says loose lettings lush B, looking at me mournfully.
I nearly side-swipe a badly parked, not-so-Smart car, as I look askance at her. God is it the big C, I think grimly, as I slow the company car and ponder what platitude I can give to a washed-up sexually desperate drunk, with something terminal?

‘Have they given you a time-span?’ I finally ask weakly, thinking I’m not equipped to deal with this, despite the human resources-led courses I’ve been on teaching empathy and awareness of others, particularly vulnerable women.

‘Who?’ Asks B frowning.
‘Err, the doctors.’ I say falteringly, as a mad mother shoves her baby in a pushchair out in to the road as a way of getting a crossing. I wave the woman and child across and start to realise I’ve made another faux-pas. 

‘Why would I talk to a doctor about it?’ Says B. ‘Unless it’s to ask for more anti-depressants.’
‘When you said not much longer….’ I falter.
‘F**k no.’ Laughs B. ‘I’m not dying.’ She pauses. ‘Well maybe a little inside. I meant this bloody job. How much longer can I cope with lying scumbags and low-lifes who trash properties and get aggressive with me then expect to be re-housed by the council once they’ve wrecked one of my landlords’ homes and been evicted with eight months rent arrears?’

‘That’s a relief I thought it was something serious.’ I tell B.
‘It is serious.’ She snaps.
‘True, but we all come to hate the public in the end, it’s the few decent and honest ones we deal with that make it worth while.’ 
‘When do I get to meet them?’ She asks, voice wobbling.
‘Socially or professionally?’ 
‘Piss off.’

B has a point. You don’t often see people at their best when it comes to property transactions. Greed anger, frustration - to name but three in a toxic cocktail of emotions - come together to make the whole process fraught and confrontational.  The fact that I’m accompanying B to re-enter a trashed flat one of her clients has just gained back from two junkies, with two young children who are rumoured to now be in care, probably isn’t helping her mood.

‘Seriously though,’ continues B, leaning across, her over-short skirt riding up discomfortingly ‘I’m thinking of jacking it all in.’
The one night stands, the drinking too heavily, the quiet desperation of an internal clock ticking, whether it’s for a baby or a better job?

‘We all have days like that?’ I tell her blandly, starting to get uncomfortable with her proximity and emotional state. After much re-education from head office, the male/female relationship at work has become so potentially dangerous that I’m scared to say anything any longer for fear of offence, real or imagined. I’m just waiting for the trans-gender awareness course to drop, then I’ll have the full set.

‘Shit.’ I say recoiling back as the door opens to a pile of junk-mail, final demands and an aroma of something rotting. ‘Watch out for needles.’
‘See what I mean.’ Says B, awkwardly close behind me. She’d been too frightened to come to the flat alone and now I’m wishing I’d brought a chaperone too. If someone is going to get physically abused it’s going to be me, whether or not the tenants have broken back in and are about to try and f**k me up.

‘Its the fridge.’ I say gagging slightly as we look at the trashed kitchen, what looks like dried blood on the walls, half-eaten takeaway trays covering the surfaces and bags of broken bin-liners strewn around the cloyingly-sticky floor. ‘It’s always the fridge.’
‘How can these animals live like this?’ Asks B, suppressing a sob. ‘This is going to cost thousands to clean up, not to mention the lost rent my landlord has suffered. And we’ll be paying to keep these deadbeats in a bed and breakfast.’

‘Power is off.’ I say unnecessarily, as we edge toward the fridge and the all-pervading stench. If it’s blow-flies again I’m going to gag.


Thank god for the extra strong mints in my glove box.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Once Bitten Twice Shy - Thursday


I’m on my way back to the Polish dentist again, teeth deteriorating in tandem with my career. I know I’m going to stick out like a sore thumb in the waiting room once more as the only man in a suit. Last time it felt like the Job Centre Plus-Size, with a motley collection of gap-toothed, overweight, in-bred unemployables all incongruously wearing tracksuits and sports apparel. 

It’s early enough, pre-work hours, for the traffic wardens to still be in bed but the memory of my last botched root canal treatment with both hands gripping the dentist’s chair and both eyes on the clock, is still fresh. Staggering out twenty minutes later than calculated with shirt collar bloodied, temporary filling already loosening and a mouth so numb I sounded like Jonathan Ross, wasn’t enhanced by the sight of a dark-suited fascist with a ticket machine, appending the fine to my windscreen.

The, ‘I’ve started so I’ll have to finish,’ conversation wasn’t improved by my lisping vitriol splattering the man in sputum as I raged about a slightly spurious medical emergency. The written appeal didn’t go too well either.

As I approach the meter, headache building, a rotund woman in an ill-advised trouser-suit waddles from one of those not too cleverly named Smart cars, the springs still rocking in protest. She looks slightly like I remember my mother before it all went horribly wrong.

I wait, just stopping short of tapping my foot while she fumbles fin her purse and dithers. I’m now within a minute of being late, something I detest with a passion, even if it’s for a cavity inspection by a dubiously qualified Eastern European with limited English language skills.

‘I’m not sure how long to pay for.’ States the woman, turning to me with an apologetic shrug. I really don’t want small talk and I already have my own small change. I smile neutrally.
‘I’ll do forty minutes.’ She announces. I’m not engaging. I talk to people I don’t want to converse with only on the business clock.

‘It’s scandalous.’ Says the woman as she taps at the ticket machine and somehow manages to get the instructions to scroll across the screen in French. Sacre bleu.
I nod in what I gauge to be a sympathetic manner, as her ticket finally disgorges. My own ticket – can’t claim that back, the bean counter would spot the time imprint – placed in the company car I cross the road to the dentist only to find the same woman going through the door. Terrific.

‘Not the best way to start the day.’ Says my stalker, as she sits next to me. I look at her with a slightly plaque-stained smile and suddenly wonder if she’s flirting with me? It’s an unpleasant realisation given my earlier likening of her, made worse by the fact that an unhelpful inner-voice tells me she’s probably about my age.

‘I’ve had better.’ I tell her neutrally, fiddling with my phone to try and give off a better signal than the cheap Nokia I bought, despite every staff member telling me to get smart - with all-you-can-eat data.

‘What do you do?’ persists the matronly figure in what is now in borderline need of a restraining order. I assume my revelation will get the usual pantomime hiss and lose an admirer, but I’m wrong.

‘Oh I’d love your job.’ Says the woman wistfully. You wouldn’t.
‘I adore looking at houses.’ She continues, as I think, yep you are pretty much a textbook time-waster.
‘I expect you need all sorts of fancy qualifications.’ Trills my new best friend. I tell her the stark truth and she frowns.
‘Really?’
 Really.

‘Are you on any daily medication?’ Asks the Warsaw woman, distilled through a white facemask and an equally thick accent. Not yet, I want to say but it’s only a matter of time. She pokes around with that unsettlingly sharp surgical implement, while her mono-browed female assistant fails to operate the suction tube effectively and I wait for a filling to collapse. I’m beginning to pine for my agent-loving admirer who gave me a wonky-smile of encouragement when my name was called. Hmm, she has my name…

It might become painful.

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